SecretAgentMan
11-22-2004, 01:25 PM
Liberal Scientists Hope to Have Bisexual, Left-Leaning Christ Fully Lab-Grown for Next Election
With hot button moral value issues continuing to make headlines and presidents, the Democrat party needs a bold new strategy to win Bible Belt votes if it is to remain viable in the 2008 election.With such a growing decency divide, how can the left put a candidate forward who appeals to both sides of these heated issues? Today's progressive liberal scientists say they have the answer.
"Thanks to advancements in cloning and stem cell research, we extracted DNA samples from what what we hope is the shroud of Turin," explains Liberal researcher Dr. Howard Faber, a genetic scientist at Cornell and longtime proponent of cloning fetuses for abortion. "By advancing the growth stage through gene manipulation and fetal tissue injections, we're confident a new and improved Jesus Christ could be a viable Democratic candidate for 2008."
http://www.moveonplease.org/images/jesus.jpg
This solution to bridging the red-blue gap comes at a time when the nation has never been more divided. Liberal criticism has reached a fever pitch, with Dems alleging Bush invaded Iraq for oil when more cost-effective methods are available, such as using ground-up fetuses from unwanted pregnancies for fuel or powering automobiles from the friction created by homosexual love-making. The red states, typically, objected to both, claiming that these natural alternative were somehow unnatural.
"A 2008 Dem candidate must appeal to the morals of fundamentalist Christian Conservatives," explains Democrat advisor Carl Paulson, "but at the same time, not alienate any blue states, who have chosen to turn their backs on God. Jesus is probably the only solution to that. With Christ as a Democrat candidate, we can put forward the entire liberal agenda and know the red states will have to back it or deny the will of their God."
We here at MoveOnPlease were overjoyed at the idea of running a simulation of the son of God under the Dem ticket in 2008. However, the process has not been without obstacles. For instance, though we're pretty sure Jesus was a Liberal, what if this particular breed of Lord and Savior doesn't lean left?
"It's too soon to tell, but God willing," said Faber, winking,"we think we've managed to make Jesus bisexual."
With hot button moral value issues continuing to make headlines and presidents, the Democrat party needs a bold new strategy to win Bible Belt votes if it is to remain viable in the 2008 election.With such a growing decency divide, how can the left put a candidate forward who appeals to both sides of these heated issues? Today's progressive liberal scientists say they have the answer.
"Thanks to advancements in cloning and stem cell research, we extracted DNA samples from what what we hope is the shroud of Turin," explains Liberal researcher Dr. Howard Faber, a genetic scientist at Cornell and longtime proponent of cloning fetuses for abortion. "By advancing the growth stage through gene manipulation and fetal tissue injections, we're confident a new and improved Jesus Christ could be a viable Democratic candidate for 2008."
http://www.moveonplease.org/images/jesus.jpg
This solution to bridging the red-blue gap comes at a time when the nation has never been more divided. Liberal criticism has reached a fever pitch, with Dems alleging Bush invaded Iraq for oil when more cost-effective methods are available, such as using ground-up fetuses from unwanted pregnancies for fuel or powering automobiles from the friction created by homosexual love-making. The red states, typically, objected to both, claiming that these natural alternative were somehow unnatural.
"A 2008 Dem candidate must appeal to the morals of fundamentalist Christian Conservatives," explains Democrat advisor Carl Paulson, "but at the same time, not alienate any blue states, who have chosen to turn their backs on God. Jesus is probably the only solution to that. With Christ as a Democrat candidate, we can put forward the entire liberal agenda and know the red states will have to back it or deny the will of their God."
We here at MoveOnPlease were overjoyed at the idea of running a simulation of the son of God under the Dem ticket in 2008. However, the process has not been without obstacles. For instance, though we're pretty sure Jesus was a Liberal, what if this particular breed of Lord and Savior doesn't lean left?
"It's too soon to tell, but God willing," said Faber, winking,"we think we've managed to make Jesus bisexual."