jerejerebinks
09-16-2004, 06:05 PM
Prisons
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece my grandma would take a few prisoners into my house! She already lives in Los Angeles. She already has bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
Award Shows
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials! The Clio Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
Phone-in Polls
You know those shows where people call in and vote on differnt issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know"! It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know!" "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about!" This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95. (into phone) "I'm not in the mood."
Answering Machine
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day
and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love!'" "Beep." "Uh,
yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love!"
Ads in Bills
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them! I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."
Fabric Softener
My girlfriend uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married!' (walk off) That's how they mark their territory! You can take off a ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Morning Differences
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it! We just wake up and we want you! And the women are thinking, 'how can he want me the way I look in the morning?' We can't see you! We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve!
Mysteries of Women
I'm out with my girlfriend the other day. She says, 'My feet hurt.' I say, 'Well, why did you wear those shoes?' She says, 'I didn't know we were going to be walking!'...Hello? We're walking now! Feel free to slither! She was wearing high heels, that's why. They are the worst invention. Aren't they, ladies? I heard that women wear those shoes because they make your butt and your breasts stick out. Jeez. Why not just shove some shoes in your underwear, you'd be a lot more comfortable.
Pregnancy
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my god! He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Sometimes I say, 'Can I feel the milk coming in?' (fondle freely) Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god!...give me your hand!...It won't be long now..."
Grandma
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests! Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday!
Reverse Life Cycle
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you got to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement! You do drugs, alchohol, you party, you get ready for high school! You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as a gleam in somebody's eye!
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece my grandma would take a few prisoners into my house! She already lives in Los Angeles. She already has bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
Award Shows
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials! The Clio Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
Phone-in Polls
You know those shows where people call in and vote on differnt issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know"! It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know!" "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about!" This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95. (into phone) "I'm not in the mood."
Answering Machine
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day
and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love!'" "Beep." "Uh,
yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love!"
Ads in Bills
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them! I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."
Fabric Softener
My girlfriend uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married!' (walk off) That's how they mark their territory! You can take off a ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Morning Differences
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it! We just wake up and we want you! And the women are thinking, 'how can he want me the way I look in the morning?' We can't see you! We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve!
Mysteries of Women
I'm out with my girlfriend the other day. She says, 'My feet hurt.' I say, 'Well, why did you wear those shoes?' She says, 'I didn't know we were going to be walking!'...Hello? We're walking now! Feel free to slither! She was wearing high heels, that's why. They are the worst invention. Aren't they, ladies? I heard that women wear those shoes because they make your butt and your breasts stick out. Jeez. Why not just shove some shoes in your underwear, you'd be a lot more comfortable.
Pregnancy
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my god! He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Sometimes I say, 'Can I feel the milk coming in?' (fondle freely) Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god!...give me your hand!...It won't be long now..."
Grandma
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests! Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday!
Reverse Life Cycle
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you got to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement! You do drugs, alchohol, you party, you get ready for high school! You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as a gleam in somebody's eye!