Vilepagan
02-08-2004, 12:05 AM
Subject: How to give a pill to a cat and a dog
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens
mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm
and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm while holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Retrieve
spouse from outside.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one
hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub
cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note
to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and
vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with
pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink one beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard and close door on neck to leave head showing. Force mouth
open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink
beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot of scotch and drink. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey
compress to cheek to disinfect. Drink another shot. Throw shirt away and fetch
new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve cat from across the road. Apologize to
neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill
from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little &#^%#&+&%'s front legs to rear legs with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it.
Hold cat's head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill
down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop
to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR DOG A PILL
1. Wrap pill in lunch meat.
2. Toss it in the air.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens
mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm
and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm while holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Retrieve
spouse from outside.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one
hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub
cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note
to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and
vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with
pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink one beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard and close door on neck to leave head showing. Force mouth
open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink
beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot of scotch and drink. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey
compress to cheek to disinfect. Drink another shot. Throw shirt away and fetch
new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve cat from across the road. Apologize to
neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill
from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little &#^%#&+&%'s front legs to rear legs with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it.
Hold cat's head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill
down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop
to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR DOG A PILL
1. Wrap pill in lunch meat.
2. Toss it in the air.