This place needs a thread where offensive or off color jokes can be posted. Maybe the mods can restrict it to adults. We don't seem to have any kid posters here anymore so it really shouldn't matter.

Q.Why do women have small feet?
A.So they can stand closer to the sink.


Q. Why do women fake orgasms
A. Cause they think men care


Q Why do u put a baby in a blender feet first?
A see the expression on its face.

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

*did you hear about that new emo pizza??? It cuts itself!

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.


Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: What's somewhat brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelery.

Q. How many gays does it take to put in a light bulb?
A. One but it takes an entire emergency room to remove it.

Why don't women wear watches?

There's a clock on the stove.

what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

nothing-she's already been told twice.

What do you call all that useless flesh around a vagina?



A woman.

[quote=Frogger]This place needs a thread where offensive or off color jokes can be posted. Maybe the mods can restrict it to adults. We don't seem to have any kid posters here anymore so it really shouldn't matter.

Well I can think of two people under 18 that post on her all the time so I think you were right on your first thought of asking the mods to make a thread for adults only. Not sure how they can keep minors off of the thread though. Didn't there use to be a spam thread that sometimes had adult stuff on it?

They can do it the same way they set up the Gold Members Forum. Entry by invitation only.


Three obviously pregnant women are sitting together knitting.

The first woman say, I am taking a calcium supplement.

When asked why she says, "So my baby will have strong bones and teeth. "

The second woman says she is taking multi-vitamins every day.

When she is asked why she says, "I want my baby to have strong muscles and a healthy body."

The third woman is silent.

Finally one of the other women asks her if she is taking any supplements.

She answers, "Yes, I am taking Thalidomide."

The other two knitters are horrified. "Why on Earth would you take Thalidimide?"

"I can't knit sleeves."

Hmm, I can see it now. Frogger's offensive joke thread!!!

A paraplegic couple was getting ready to sit down to dinner. Hubby took one look at the table and noticed there was nothing but meat and bread...

"Where are the vegetables, honey?" he asked.

"Oh, they haven't gotten home from school yet!"

Grandma and Grandpa were driving from Washington to Florida to attend their granddaughter's graduation from medical school. Halfway through their trip, they stopped to visit one of their sons in Kansas for a night.

Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the Medicine cabinet. He asked his son about using one of the pills.

The son said, 'I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very Strong and very expensive.' 'How much?' asked Grandpa.

'Around $10.00 a pill,' answered the son.

'I don't care,' said Grandpa, 'I'd still like to try one, we'll be leaving early in the morning, so I'll put the money under the pillow.'

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.

He immediately called Grandpa on his cell phone and said, 'I told You each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.'

'I know,' said Grandpa. 'The hundred is from Grandma.'

whats the difference between pink and purple?


Your Grip....

Q: What goes in long, straightand dry, and comes out short, wrinkled and wet


A: A stick of gum.





Q: What's white and bubbly and scratches at the window?

A: A baby in a microwave.

My favorite offensive joke is the Aristocrat. But it's only good when told in person.

Well I can think of two people under 18 that post on her all the time so I think you were right on your first thought of asking the mods to make a thread for adults only. Not sure how they can keep minors off of the thread though. Didn't there use to be a spam thread that sometimes had adult stuff on it?
Hey, hey now... I'm under 18, and I think I have every right to be here (besides, I already know most of these jokes). :p

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned.
"You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."


A man walks into a bar with his monkey.He orders a pint and sits down to drink it.while he`s sitting at the bar,his monkey is out of control.It jumps up on the pool table and eats the cue ball.The bartender runs up to the man and says,"Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?"
"No, what did the stupid fucker do this time?" says the man.
"He just ate the cue ball!" shouts the landlord.
"I hope it kills the stupid bastard," says the man.
About two weeks later,the man comes back to the pub with his monkey.while he`s drinking at the bar,his monkey is again out of control.The monkey finds a grape at the bar,picks it upsticks it up his asss,and then eats it.
The landlord,having seen this,asks the man:"Did you see what your sick monkey just did?"
"No",says the man.
"He just stuck a grape up his ass and ate it," the landlord tells him.
"Well,what do you expect?"asks the man."Since that pool ball he measures everything first!"


Ryan calls his boss at work and says"Look,i`m really sorry,but i can`t come to work today,i`m sick".
"Sick!" screams his boss "Sick! This is the tenth time this month, Ryan.Exactly how sick are you?"
"Well",replies Ryan."I`m in bed with my 9 year old sister"

Hey, hey now... I'm under 18, and I think I have every right to be here (besides, I already know most of these jokes). :p Well I don't think it is really correct for adults to be telling some of these jokes to minors. It does not really matter that you already know most of them. I just think it is sort of creepy! Nothing against you personally.

Well I don't think it is really correct for adults to be telling these kind of jokes to minors. It does not really matter that you already kno most of them. I just think it is sort of creepy! Nothing against you personally.
Odd, considering these are just the kind of jokes I tell with my family around the dinner table. :p

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50

HAND JOB: $100.00


Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."


The old biker replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

Odd, considering these are just the kind of jokes I tell with my family around the dinner table. :p Well yes that's a little odd too. :lolhit:

"Doctor! I think my wife is dead."
"How can you tell?"
"Well, the sex is still the same but the dishes are piling up."

Well yes that's a little odd too. :lolhit:

There's nothing wrong with these jokes - it's not like porn is being posted. You think the average 16 year old hasn't heard these jokes already like a thousand times?

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their
retarded baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one
arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment

Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's
flag is flying at half-mast?
A. They're hiring

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star
Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. What do you call an Irish farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.

Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A. The Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with a recipe.

Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?**
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

Q. What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern
fairytale?
A. A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time...A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

There's nothing wrong with these jokes - it's not like porn is being posted. You think the average 16 year old hasn't heard these jokes already like a thousand times? I didn't say there was anything wrong with the jokes but adults telling minors these jokes is not appropriate in my book. So you go around telling vagina jokes to minors a lot?

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

I didn't say there was anything wrong with the jokes but adults telling minors these jokes is not appropriate in my book. So you go around telling vagina jokes to minors a lot?

Fine set of morals you've got there AFT. It's OK to commit blasphemy against God in front of minors, but don't you dare tell 'em an off-color joke.

Whatta hypocrite.

Fine set of morals you've got there AFT. It's OK to commit blasphemy against God in front of minors, but don't you dare tell 'em an off-color joke.

Whatta hypocrite. Yes but god does not exist and if you think it is proper to tell vagina jokes to minors go ahead. And calling me a hypocrite(especially coming from you) is a joke!

Yes but god does not exist and if you think it is proper to tell vagina jokes to minors go ahead. And calling me a hypocrite(especially coming from you) is a joke!

Good, glad to see we're on the same page with the name-calling. Of course just about any subject you post on could be considered HUMOR, couldn't it?

http://i156.photobucket.com/albums/t33/texrose752/playnice.gif

29 lines...

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23.They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.


Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few

is it James Earl Ray Day again already?

What did one vampire lesbian say to the other?

"See you next month"

Well I'm pretty sure I saw a 14 year old post on here recently so I would say that some of these jokes are inappropriate. Being a woman I find one of them repulsive. Some are just digusting and not even funny. Ok, I think there may have been one I chuckled at but that does not mean it is appropriate for minors. Just because they here it from their peers.

it does say "Offensive Jokes" in the title. Geez people,if you don't like offensive jokes,don't open the damn thread and read them.:rolleyes:

I'm a woman and I found them to be damn funny

What did one vampire lesbian say to the other?

"See you next month"


eewwww:lolhit:

it does say "Offensive Jokes" in the title. Geez people,if you don't like offensive jokes,don't open the damn thread and read them.:rolleyes:

I'm a woman and I found them to be damn funny Well it does not have anything to do with being funny it is about if it was proper to post it for minors to read. Not that they could not find it on the internet elsewhere but this is just making it available in a community forum to minors. What part of that do you not understand. I don't really care since it does not seem like the moderators do. I was just voicing my feeling about it. If you think that all these jokes are proper for adults to post for minors then that is your call. :lolhit:

I think I'm the only minor who really posts regularly around here... And I'm barely a minor. My birthday is in less than 3 months.

I think I'm the only minor who really posts regularly around here... And I'm barely a minor. My birthday is in less than 3 months. Well yeah but your old for your age. I mean that in a good way.:p Plus coloradojoe is only 14 and post on here often. And even if someone is not posting does not mean they are not reading the posts.

Well it does not have anything to do with being funny it is about if it was proper to post it for minors to read. Not that they could not find it on the internet elsewhere but this is just making it available in a community forum to minors. What part of that do you not understand. I don't really care since it does not seem like the moderators do. I was just voicing my feeling about it. If you think that all these jokes are proper for adults to post for minors then that is your call. :lolhit:


then why are you making an issue out of it?:rolleyes:

you said it yourself,they can find them elsewhere on the net and probably overhear them at home and at school. They aren't even really that bad,I've heard alot worse.

Alright, here's a good one:

A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible; but when deflated, it read "Wy". Wendy was delighted with Jack's "special emblem of devotion."

After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach.

As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he'd bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two frozen mixed drinks. Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender had "Wy" tattooed on his penis.

"Hey", Jack said and smiled, "What a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be named Wendy."

"Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed, "Mine say 'Welcome to Jamaica. Enjoy your stay.'"

What do lesbians use for potpourri?





































Tuna.

Yep, a youngster might wander in here and read an offensive or even an off color joke. He/she won't see pornographic pictures but might just read something meant more for adults.

There are two ways we could insure that youngsters are never exposed to anything that might be a bit mature for them, one, we could simply ban them from interacting with adults, or, two, we could mandate that all adults talk like children. No adults will be allowed to use adult language or discuss adult topics lest a child might inadertantly wander nearby and hear or read what was being said.

If a teenager reads any of the jokes written here he/she is not going to be scarred for life. I am quite sure they hear much worse from their friends.

In order to make the prudes happy maybe we should start a pee pee, poo poo, kaa kaa thread where only baby talk will be allowed when telling poopy jokes.

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: What's somewhat brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelery.

Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: Cough, gag, choke.

Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.

Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but
you just can't beat a blow job.

Q: Why did god create women?
A: Because dogs can't get beer out the fridge.

Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: How do you make a dog drink?
A: Put it in a blender.

Q: What's got four legs and an arm?
A: A Rottweiler.

Q. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A: Patient..!!

Yep, a youngster might wander in here and read an offensive or even an off color joke. He/she won't see pornographic pictures but might just read something meant more for adults.

There are two ways we could insure that youngsters are never exposed to anything that might be a bit mature for them, one, we could simply ban them from interacting with adults, or, two, we could mandate that all adults talk like children. No adults will be allowed to use adult language or discuss adult topics lest a child might inadertantly wander nearby and hear or read what was being said.

If a teenager reads any of the jokes written here he/she is not going to be scarred for life. I am quite sure they hear much worse from their friends.

In order to make the prudes happy maybe we should start a pee pee, poo poo, kaa kaa thread where only baby talk will be allowed when telling poopy jokes. Then why in your first post did you even mention having a place for adult postings? Then you said it did not matter because you did not think there were any minors on here. Why would you even say that if you did not feel that it might not be right? And don't people a prude just because you think it is ok to do it even after your post seemed to say you knew it was questionable. Give me a break!

The fact that I don't think young people will even see the jokes does not negate the fact that even if they do it will do them no harm.

I didn't say there was anything wrong with the jokes but adults telling minors these jokes is not appropriate in my book. So you go around telling vagina jokes to minors a lot?
Oh please. What harm is it going to do anyone? Get a life.
Fine set of morals you've got there AFT. It's OK to commit blasphemy against God in front of minors, but don't you dare tell 'em an off-color joke.

Whatta hypocrite.
You too.

not to "left out" in the offending department...

Which is better, beer or vagina? 1.Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
One point to BEER

2.Warm beer tastes awful.
One point to VAGINA

3.A really cold beer is satisfying.
One point to BEER

4.If after taking a swig of your favourite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit.
One point to VAGINA

5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.

6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
One point to VAGINA

7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.
One point to VAGINA

8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer. One point to VAGINA

9. You normally don't find old beer.
One point to BEER

10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen God.
One point to VAGINA

11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun.
One point to VAGINA

12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
One point to VAGINA

13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off.
One point to BEER

14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can. One point to BEER

15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles down.
One point to BEER

16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager, etc... with vagina you also have a choice, white, black, asian, hispanic, and eskimo...
Call it a DRAW

17. You always know how much beer is going to cost
One point to BEER

18. Beer doesn't have a mother
One point to BEER

19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you
drink it
One point to BEER

FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 VAGINA: 9
That's it! The matter is settled, the unfortunate yet tasty winner is: BEER

PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated against, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them.

An extra point for BEER

~cries~
I'm so offended OP,you should be ashamed of yourself for posting that where kids can see it and for degrading women. ;) :lolhit: :lolhit:





that was some funny stuff though OP

what if you poured beer into a vagina?

For some women the yeast would probably be an improvement.

:lolhit: For some women the yeast would probably be an improvement.:lolhit:

The vagina would end up with a yeast infection, and then you wouldn't be able to touch it for a while. :p

Exactly.

Food/drinks + vaginas = probably not a good idea.

I didn't say there was anything wrong with the jokes but adults telling minors these jokes is not appropriate in my book. So you go around telling vagina jokes to minors a lot?

vagina is a word - it's not a dirty word that nobody under 18 should ever hear.

vagina is a word - it's not a dirty word that nobody under 18 should ever hear. I never said it was a dirty word! And I never said anyone under 18 should hear it.

The fact that I don't think young people will even see the jokes does not negate the fact that even if they do it will do them no harm. Fine I'm sure you will get a good laugh next time you tell them to your grandchildren and children! :rolleyes:

Food/drinks + vaginas = probably not a good idea.
ignoring Decka (much like women do), that sounds like a perfect evening to me:woohoo:

Why do men die before their wives?
They should.



How does a man keep his youth?
By giving them money, furs and diamonds.


Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.





Why don't women like basketball players as lovers?
Because they dribble before they shoot.



What are the three types of men?
The handsome, the caring and the majority



What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.





How can you tell if your husband's dead?
Sex is the same but you get the remote.




How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?



Why did they kick the man out of the airport?
He kept throwing stale bread at the plane.



What's the hardest thing to teach a man?
How to operate a waste basket.



Did you hear about the two men who went ice fishing?
They caught 200 pounds of ice, but drowned when they tried to cook it.



Then there's the jigsaw puzzle for men.
It only has one piece, And most of the time, it's missing.

Did you hear about the two men who went ice fishing?
They caught 200 pounds of ice, but drowned when they tried to cook it.



Now that was funny.

A little boy and a pedophile are walking in the deep, dark, woods. The little boy says,

"Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy."

The pedophile replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself."

Not really too offensive, but funny as hell.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser
for their anniversary submitted this :

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser
were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow
my wife -- who would never consider a gun -- adequate
time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought
it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed
the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I
read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to
Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her
microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new
toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that
bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There
I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is
such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser
in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a
two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on
with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do
it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the
heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,
pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF
MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the
side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body
slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking
wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to
"mug" yourself with a taser,that there is no such
thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You
will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the
floor.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or
so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
thing at that point), I collected what little wits I
had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my
testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return.


Still in shock,
Earl

:lolhit: :lolhit: :lolhit:

that one had me in tears Smarty

Me too...great story. Funny stuff. :)

When I was born God gave me two choices....


(1)... I could either have a GREAT memory....

OR

(2)... Be GREAT in bed !!! .........


http://i156.photobucket.com/albums/t33/texrose752/Cigarsmokingranny-1.jpg



Shit!!! ....

Now I forgot what I waz gunna tell ya!!!

When I was born God gave me two choices....


(1)... I could either have a GREAT memory....

OR

(2)... Be GREAT in bed !!! .........


http://i156.photobucket.com/albums/t33/texrose752/Cigarsmokingranny-1.jpg



Shit!!! ....

Now I forgot what I waz gunna tell ya!!!

I thot you knew better than to put yer REAL PIC on the internet. Geezus, have you learned NOTHING thus far?


But here's a joke:

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed .. "When did this happen?"

" Couple of minutes ago."

I thot you knew better than to put yer REAL PIC on the internet. Geezus, have you learned NOTHING thus far?


But here's a joke:

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed .. "When did this happen?"

" Couple of minutes ago."

:lolhit:

Smarty,

Couldn't you have posted a more recent picture of yourself. That one is at least seven years old.

A man is driving along the highway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window.

The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side.

Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts.

"But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams.

"Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!"

She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over.

"What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks.

"Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck".

"If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you."

Sure, Frogman... not only is this one more recent, it better illustrates my bubbly personality!



http://i156.photobucket.com/albums/t33/texrose752/granny.jpg

Stop posting pictures of Rendova and making believe they are you.

Bobbitt Family Update

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with



A Misdewiener!

Toilets in Cambodia:

http://i156.photobucket.com/albums/t33/texrose752/toiletsincambodia.jpg

Those signs may seem funny but they are really needed. I can remember when I was in the army and we had some Asians in our barracks. They took dumps in exactly the position shown in the first sign.

Those signs may seem funny but they are really needed. I can remember when I was in the army and we had some Asians in our barracks. They took dumps in exactly the position shown in the first sign.

Well, I find that HIGHLY offensive.

:(
SMW

So did the guys in our outfit. We had these huge, gang toilets and there was nothing grosser than watching these guys squat over the bowl doing their business.

Stop posting pictures of Rendova and making believe they are you.

That's actually a picture of my daughter, Rug Man.

There ARE no pictures of me.
The camera has not yet been invented, that is capable of capturing my beauty.

This Redneck guy slouches into a bar and orders himself a Bud Select.
Swigging it, he sees this gorgeous Latina woman, curvy as anything, a cleavage to drown in, blood red lipstick, a rose in her gleaming hair.

Hooking the thumb of his free hand behind his waistband, he sidles up to her , clutching his Bud and says: "Howdy, li'l lady."
She smiles and says: Hola."
Encouraged at not being immediately rejected, he asks: "What's yalls's name?"
She looks at him with bedroom eyes and says: "I am called Carmen. Because I like cars. And I like men."
Baffled he thinks: Ah've ah got mahself an edducaited un! Ah better be reel clevver!
She puts a hand on his arm and he thinks he's in there, wow!
"So what's yours, cowboy?" Carmen asks.
Trying to think fast of something witty he stammers: "Ah....Uhm....BeerCunt!!"

This Redneck guy slouches into a bar and orders himself a Bud Select.
Swigging it, he sees this gorgeous Latina woman, curvy as anything, a cleavage to drown in, blood red lipstick, a rose in her gleaming hair.

Hooking the thumb of his free hand behind his waistband, he sidles up to her , clutching his Bud and says: "Howdy, li'l lady."
She smiles and says: Hola."
Encouraged at not being immediately rejected, he asks: "What's yalls's name?"
She looks at him with bedroom eyes and says: "I am called Carmen. Because I like cars. And I like men."
Baffled he thinks: Ah've ah got mahself an edducaited un! Ah better be reel clevver!
She puts a hand on his arm and he thinks he's in there, wow!
"So what's yours, cowboy?" Carmen asks.
Trying to think fast of something witty he stammers: "Ah....Uhm....BeerCunt!!"

*groan*

*groan*

*double groan*

This Redneck guy slouches into a bar and orders himself a Bud Select.
Swigging it, he sees this gorgeous Latina woman, curvy as anything, a cleavage to drown in, blood red lipstick, a rose in her gleaming hair.

Hooking the thumb of his free hand behind his waistband, he sidles up to her , clutching his Bud and says: "Howdy, li'l lady."
She smiles and says: Hola."
Encouraged at not being immediately rejected, he asks: "What's yalls's name?"
She looks at him with bedroom eyes and says: "I am called Carmen. Because I like cars. And I like men."
Baffled he thinks: Ah've ah got mahself an edducaited un! Ah better be reel clevver!
She puts a hand on his arm and he thinks he's in there, wow!
"So what's yours, cowboy?" Carmen asks.
Trying to think fast of something witty he stammers: "Ah....Uhm....BeerCunt!!"

...right.

How does one have 'bedroom eyes'?

How does one have 'bedroom eyes'?
It's kind of an old fashioned expression...

Yes, but it sounds weird.

It's the look you get from a woman, that shows she desires some "intimacy".

.... yeah, I'm old, but at least we didn't have expressions like "dirty Sanchez" in the day.

:)

It's the look you get from a woman, that shows she desires some "intimacy".

.... yeah, I'm old, but at least we didn't have expressions like "dirty Sanchez" in the day.

:)


ha, or "She be checkin mah grillz out."

Have you heard of that new movie How She Move? Dear Lord.

Very well dressed older gentleman, sitting in a quiet, high class bar, enjoying 20 year old bourbon and a fine cigar. He is approached by a equally well dressed younger woman, displaying a depth of cleavage not generally seen outside of a rap video. She leans over to him, permitting a fine show of what's available and whispers in his ear: "For $300., I'll do anything you want ..."
Gent thinks for a moment, reaches into his breast pocket, pulls out a calfskin wallet and extracts six $50. bills. Folding them in half and placing them into that generous cleavage, he says: "Paint my house..."

Very well dressed older gentleman, sitting in a quiet, high class bar, enjoying 20 year old bourbon and a fine cigar. He is approached by a equally well dressed younger woman, displaying a depth of cleavage not generally seen outside of a rap video. She leans over to him, permitting a fine show of what's available and whispers in his ear: "For $300., I'll do anything you want ..."
Gent thinks for a moment, reaches into his breast pocket, pulls out a calfskin wallet and extracts six $50. bills. Folding them in half and placing them into that generous cleavage, he says: "Paint my house..."


:D
one should always be more specific

What's the hardest thing to teach a man?
How to operate a waste basket.
That's funny, 'cause the hardest thing to teach you people is how to empty 'em. :)

What did one vampire lesbian say to the other?

"See you next month"

That's fucking gross, Decka. Oh, and just outta curiosity, does that joke ever get old to you?

It's kind of an old fashioned expression...
If by that you mean it predates 1990, then yes, it is. :D

Three nuns were sitting having their morning tea chatting away.
First nun: 'I was cleaning in Fathers room last week and found some porn magazines'.
'What did you do', the other nuns ask.
'Well I threw them in the bin', the first nun says.
The second nun said: 'I can top that,I was in Fathers room cleaning the other day and found some condoms'
The other two nuns gasped, 'what did you do?' they asked.
'I put holes in them' she said.

The third nun fainted hehe :)

How do you really get a nun pregnant? Dress her as an Alter boy. Ba-doom-ching. LOL.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!

Who's On First ?
Joe Blow !
Joe Blow who ?
nah ...*Joe didn't Blow Marilyn
nor Marilyn he.
Joe's Catholic,y'know.





* Joltin Joe AND The Yankee Clipper.
Joe DiMaggio.Mariage to Marilyn Monroe {less than a year}.

Some of those are pretty good, Frogger. :)

I've always loved this one in particular:

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

That's frickin' hilarious. :)

Some of those are pretty good, Frogger. :)

I've always loved this one in particular:

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

That's frickin' hilarious. :)

I've heard the same thing about a remote control... and I think that's even MORE true!!!

:lolhit:

You have a remote control, SMW? wow! And I thought I knew anatomy.

You have a remote control, SMW? wow! And I thought I knew anatomy.
LOL!

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked 'How much for that faucet?'

Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'


'My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!
Yikes!!! So it's true.

Hey, I think Es works at Home Depot.... :eek:

A woman has just given birth to a baby when the doctore comes into the recovery room with a long face.

"I have something to tell you", he says to the woman.

"What! Is something terrible wrong with my baby?"

"Not really terrible but different" says the doctor. "Your baby was born an hermaphrodite."

"What does that mean?", asks the woman.

"It means your baby has both male and female organs", answers the doctor.


"You mean, you mean, my baby has both a vagina and a brain."

Hmmm, I expected that last line to be "both a penis and a brain"... :lolhit: