Hey all, I'm posting just to talk about what is going on in the ol' love life... so if you could care less i suggest leaving. The thing is I feel like I just have to write about how i'm feelin, and so I figured why not get other people's opinion as well.

So I met this girl, and we clicked right away. We both have had bad experiences with the opposite sex and in relationships. This was around May. We dated with no problems, because we both knew what we were looking for, and we had both found it. It wasn't long before the "L word" was being thrown around, and talk about the future. Everything would be perfect if not that she were a traveling nurse. She is leaving in September to go to Phoenix, AZ to work down there for 3-4 months. After a few dates, our connection was so strong that she said she wish she hadn't met me because she would be leaving. I told her I knew that going in, and maybe I could come visit while you are gone. So her leaving has always been in the back of my mind. I don't blame her for it, she really wants to get out and explore, and who am I to stop her?

So we said we would assess our situation at the end of the summer. Now let me tell you a bit about her ex, Andrew. I honestly don't know much about him, all I know is that he had his chance, and she said she was done with him. However, he kept on texting her about a situation he was in. It turns out he had a baby with a previous girl, and that the baby came down with cancer and was about to die. The problem was, my girlfriend was the only person he had ever told. So he was texting, calling, and putting ALOT of pressure on her when she wanted it to be over with. She felt like she was being "held hostage" because he talked about killing himself and all that. I told her that if he needed to see her I had no problems with that... Call me a sucker, but I believe in trust, and If I get burned, i get burned. At least I remain true to who I am.

Meanwhile, we were going out and having fun. The only "flaw", if you want to call it that, that I saw in her is that she would get VERY emotional and put major walls up when she was drunk. There were 3 instances where she was major pissed at me for something absolutely redundant. She would end up passing out in the car as I drove her home, and i'd either sleep there or go home and she'd be full of apologies the next day for her actions... or one time had to ask me what actually happened because she couldn't even remember.

So this past sunday she got in a major fight with her sister at the bar I was at, and I had to carry her away because they were screaming at each other. She said some nasty things which she later apologized for...

Her work schedule is pretty crazy. She is a nurse, so she works 7am to 7pm 3 times a week. This week she worked Monday night, Tue night, and Wed night. So Thursday night rolls around and I am anxious to see her because it had been since Sunday. She would always call on her way to work but during those 3 days she was either working or sleeping, and that was cool by me.

So I call her on Thursday, and she says she is going to stay in. I say hey that's cool, we can do something tomorrow give me a call. Well it turns out Andrew ended up calling her, and they went to the bar where her other sister works. They threw darts, and he apologized for all the stuff he had done. Nothing physical happened, but it seemed a bit suspicious to me.

So I get a call the next day, and she asks me if i could stop by. Just by the tone in her voice I knew something big was on her mind. So i did, and she told me that she still had feelings for Andrew, and that it wouldn't be fair to me if she were dating me but still had something for the other guy. She said she just needed to go to Phoenix and figure things out. We had a LONG talk... I asked her how she could allow someone who had screwed up before back into her life when we had such a strong bond, and she didn't have any answers. I know how crazy emotions are, but it confused me. That was the main word she used, was "confused". She doesn't know what to do. She tells me that she loves me, and told me how am the perfect fit for her as far as marriage potential... so crazy to be talking about the M word... but somehow I guess something came up when they went out for darts. She said Andrew told her everything she had wanted to hear from him.

So I stayed with her for awhile, we kissed, we hugged... she said she can't see either of us because she doesn't know what to do. I said I totally respect that, and that I would always be there. I told her we wouldn't be the first couple to take some time away, and if we are meant to be it will work its way out. She has been so excited about going to Phoenix I think she just needs to go. Perhaps we can resume our relationship down the line....

But here I sit. I have always told myself that I would never completely fall for someone until i KNEW she was a keeper... because in case things didn't work out you would have SOMETHING to fall on. You need to keep track of yourself. Well... yesterday was "the day" she told me, and today I have no idea what to do. I feel an emptiness, and I know it will pass with time. I know that me and her are not over, we will still talk, and she's gonna leave to go to Phoenix in September. I will definitely keep in touch with her, and maybe when she figures stuff out we can resume what we had. But also, there IS the possibility that we AREN'T meant for each other. As un-romantic as that sounds, I have to keep that option in my mind every day. Past relationships have taught me to always leave yourself an "out". Well, it seems I partially took my own advice. I am standing, I am emotionally drained, but stable. But i did take a hard fall today... because today it hit me... she's not mine anymore.

Normally I'm not a jealous, confrontational guy. But I had to tell her. This guy, who you wanted nothing to do with, keeps guilt-tripping you with texts about suicide.. and now you have feelings for him? I asked if it were possible she was giving this guy a sympathy check... I realize they had a 8 month to a year relationship.. but he has his chance, I am still on my first one, and I havn't "messed up" so to say.

But let's keep things in context. The future looks good for us. We both know that if we were to get married, it would work. I think she just needs some time. She is so honest with me, I have no reason to think she'd ever lie. Her and I are very similar in that we would have a hard time living with ourselves if we ever were unfaithful. So I'm just kind of in shock, I still have the strong feelings, but I can't act on them. It's like a parent allowing their kid to go out into the big real world. You can't control what happens, you just have to let things be what they are. She is supposed to call me tonight, I'm sure we still have a lot to talk about.. but I was just in the mood to write out my thoughts.

All I can say is, give it time. If she comes around, she comes around. If she doesn't, she doesn't. The ball is in her court, and there's nothing you can do right now.

Hang in there Decka, things will work out. :)

I know you care about her a lot, Decka, but I think you need to look at this as a blessing in disguise. The girl has more problems than just an ex-boyfriend. Anyone who drinks until she passes out has a problem with alcohol (and doesn't it concern you that she's a nurse and does this?). If you were to take this relationship further I can almost guarantee that you'll be miserable in a few years -- far more miserable than you are right now.

All I can say is, give it time. If she comes around, she comes around. If she doesn't, she doesn't. The ball is in her court, and there's nothing you can do right now.Sounds like this other guy is jealous she has found someone else and is trying to run interference.....

I was in the same sitso some years ago but it was the girls MOMMY who interfered and i dont know if i will ever get to talk to this wonderfull lady again or anything. (Still lives @ home and hasnt talked to me for 3 years)

I know how your feeling having someone you love ripped away from you Decka.... I will pray that she comes back to you...

Peace ane love :)

http://img138.imageshack.us/img138/435/grouphugym7.gif

Decka,

Please don't get your feelings hurt by what I am about to offer you, but remember that it is offered out of genuine affection and concern for you.

Here are the red flags that immediately popped up when I read your posting:

* She had said, after you realized the connection was so strong, that she "wish she hadn't met me because she would be leaving". That is relationship-speak for, "I wish I hadn't met you".

* You called her on Thursday, and she said she was going to 'stay in'. Later on she's out in a bar with Andrew, throwing darts. She demonstrated that she would rather be with Andrew than with you.

* She told told you that she "still had feelings for Andrew, and that it wouldn't be fair to you if she were dating you but still had something for the other guy". She told you to your face that she would rather be with Andrew than with you.

* She said she just needed to go to Phoenix and figure things out.
"I need to figure things out," is relationship-speak for "I'm just not that into you."

* She repeatedly used the word, "confused". That is relationship-speak for, "I'm not at all confused, I just don't have the guts to tell you straight-up that I'd rather be with somebody else."

* She tells you that she loves you, and "how you are the perfect fit for her as far as marriage potential, but...". That is relationship-speak for, "Boy, someday when I am ready to settle down and get married, I sure hope somebody like you is waiting in the wings. But for now, my number one priority is having fun and keeping my options open."

Decka, you are a nice guy. And it has been my experience that emotionally- immature party-girls like to hook up with a nice guy every now and then. But it has also been my experience that they always go back to the jerk who they were with before. It doesn't matter if he was just a loser, if he beat her, or if he cheated on her. There's a certain type of girl who will always choose the jackass former flame over the nice guy. They'll do it every time.

I am proud of you because you are still standing, even though you are emotionally drained after taking such a hard fall. And I'm even more proud of you because you are mature and self-aware enough to have spoken those words: "because today it hit me... she's not mine anymore."

You said it all right there, brother.
My advice is to let her go, and get on with your life.
You deserve somebody who will love you unconditionally, and who will view you as the love of her life, not just a temporary diversion.

You deserve better.

:thumbs:

Ooooh Decka, I feel bad for ya bud. I especially feel bad because I mostly agree with the things that Sparky just said.

Decka the warning signals for me are that: she is a nurse, she is partying too hard and her x is an emotionally impaired/handicapped piece of baggage.

How I read that is, she is a person who wants to heeeeeeeelp people (not a bad thing in and of itself BUT....) You said when she is drunk that is when she becomes emotionally distant (that's when she should be all over you). She's attached to someone who is totally messed and neeeeeeeeds her or he will off himself and that draws her back. If she were mentally and emotionally stable, and together that would make her feel bad for him, suggest he commit himself to an institution to get help and then move on with you as fast as she can.

You are too stable for her right now Deck. You are the good guy. There's a certain kinda woman (usually a good one) that's a little bit wild that for whatever reason gets drawn to the bad guy. She is addicted to the ups and downs within the relationship. Level, even, nice, she knows is best for her but it just doesn't charge her emotionally. (Been there, done that) Ew, did I just admit that. There will be some trauma within her past that has trained her or wired her brain for the topsy turvy emotion train. Until she figures that out she is going to be with guys that roller-coaster her somehow. And honestly Deck, she may never figure it out. And you can waste your life and emotional guts hoping she will. If you stick with her, you are in for some heavy grief. Sorry bud. Just how I see it. :(

If you continue to pursue her, I guarantee her next line is going to be a version of: I really love you but I think we should just be "friends". That's woman speak for "move on". :(

Decka, I think Sal and Sparky are right to a point... But I also think you're right about her ex and the "sympathy check". She's obviously a helper type of person and feels a responsibility towards "fixing" this guy. I don't know whether she's into you, but judging by what you said I'd say she likes you a lot. It doesn't matter though because she is in too hectic a place in her life to handle the sort of serious relationship you obviously want.

She'll work it out eventually. Or she'll marry her ex and they'll be fucked up together :D

I too agree with Sparky and Sal on this one.

Two things stick out to me based on your post.

First, that she becomes distant and argumentative when she is drinking. Drinking tends to loosen inhibitions and most people who "act out" when drinking have some issues that they usually "hide" when sober. Sedan made a good point on the drinking till passing out also. That is not a good sign.

Second, she may like the "excitement" that her x's emotional rollercoaster provides. She may also be one of those who needs to "fix" someone. This is where Sal's analysis is spot on. Unfortunately many women want a "fall back" guy that "is the marrying kind", for a bit of stability when the "rebel" becomes too much. If she does not mature beyond that (and many don't) it is a lost cause. Dysfunction breeds dysfunction.


My opinion is that you are probably a "true blue" kind of guy. A solid fellow that is very loyal and dependable. There are lot's of women out there that would love to have that kind of man. The trick, sometimes, is finding them.

Good luck with it all and keep your chin up.

I know you care about her a lot, Decka, but I think you need to look at this as a blessing in disguise. The girl has more problems than just an ex-boyfriend. Anyone who drinks until she passes out has a problem with alcohol (and doesn't it concern you that she's a nurse and does this?). If you were to take this relationship further I can almost guarantee that you'll be miserable in a few years -- far more miserable than you are right now.

My exact thoughts. Sedan is right; she's something of a mess. Best to wait on the sidelines to see if she can get her head screwed on right.

Sorry, dude. :(

Hey guys thanks so much for the feedback..

I guess I can clarify a few things that were said, because some of it was very sound advice, and some was perhaps a bit off, but then again you don't know her or the situation, so you can just go off of past experiences and by what "usually" happens.

Sparky's list of "red flags" is where I should start.

She had said, after you realized the connection was so strong, that she "wish she hadn't met me because she would be leaving". That is relationship-speak for, "I wish I hadn't met you".

I agree that usually is, and might be, the case. I'm not quite so sold on it with us. We are the type of couple who don't argue, and don't want to argue. The only time she would utter those "pleasant" words would be when she had a few too many, which I will address coming up. I realize there is "relationship speak"... but this girl, and myself, really aren't normal people. We don't do what society tells us to. She is very independent, makes good money, and is very strong willed and strong opinionated. But also, she is so gentle and kind. She likes that I am the kind of guy who loves his family and loves animals. She really isn't your typical "bar girl" who wants a bad boy who is a major fuck up because she has had that in the past. She likes me because I "have my shit together" LOL and am back in school getting straight A's. She told me this a few times.

* You called her on Thursday, and she said she was going to 'stay in'. Later on she's out in a bar with Andrew, throwing darts. She demonstrated that she would rather be with Andrew than with you.

I agree, that was a warning sign. There WERE other things though. The bar she went to is where her sister works.. and she has gone up there without me before. Her sister was training one of her friends that night, so some people might call it "she wanted to be with andrew"... others might call it "she just wanted to go out with friends". Either way, she DID tell me she was going to stay in. However, if she tells me that, and then Andrew calls her and gets her to come out, is she required to call me and tell me? That seems a bit too controlling on my part. She told me that when she was going to tell Andrew to stop talking to her, I shouldn't be there because it would crush him. I could be getting burned, i realize this. On the outside looking in it probably looks like the worst. She is just so trusting.. ugghh I guess I'll just be me, and whatever happens happens.

* She told told you that she "still had feelings for Andrew, and that it wouldn't be fair to you if she were dating you but still had something for the other guy". She told you to your face that she would rather be with Andrew than with you.

That's what I asked her.. I said "well now what, it seems kinda like you are pawning me off so you can be with andrew, and you just can't tell it to me how it is".... she said she wouldn't see him either. I guess I have no way to know if that is true for certain.

* She said she just needed to go to Phoenix and figure things out.
"I need to figure things out," is relationship-speak for "I'm just not that into you."

Well she's been all about this Phoenix trip since I've known her. She is sick of living at home with the folks and wants to get out and explore. We thought about me coming with her.. and we were going to assess that at the end of the summer. I also told her that I wouldn't mind coming to visit because I need to stay in school and finish my degree. I wouldn't mind TOO much if she went and did her thing while I did mine for a few months and then we see where we are at.

* She repeatedly used the word, "confused". That is relationship-speak for, "I'm not at all confused, I just don't have the guts to tell you straight-up that I'd rather be with somebody else."

That may be, or it may not. She is either deceiving, as you suggested, or very pure-hearted. Because if she DOES have feelings for someone else, I guess it WOULDN'T be very fair to me. However, I still have to question how you can ALLOW yourself to be put in that situation. If I was dead set and in love, and some ex came up to me, I wouldn't let them in.. it just wouldn't be an option.

* She tells you that she loves you, and "how you are the perfect fit for her as far as marriage potential, but...". That is relationship-speak for, "Boy, someday when I am ready to settle down and get married, I sure hope somebody like you is waiting in the wings. But for now, my number one priority is having fun and keeping my options open."

I would agree with you on normal circumstances... but she really ain't a party girl. I mentioned she drinks, but it's not like she gets all dressed up and goes to dance clubs. She wears PJ's to the bar, and I wear shorts and a T, and we are all over each other LOL. The thing that I agree with is that it's possible she's not ready for this relationship yet.

Now let me get to the "drinking" part. People questioned how she could drink and be a nurse, and why would she put "walls up". I guess I can only explain it like this. When we first start drinking, she is all smiles. She flirts heavily with me, and just has a good time. If she keeps going, I'll notice she'll come up and just lay a long, totally french kiss on me. After seeing this happen a few times, i realize that THAT means it's about to get ugly. It's only when she gets DRUNK drunk that she puts walls up. And most of the time they are not at me, although it happened twice. Hey, I like to drink, so does anyone else in their mid 20's. She just happens to drink WITH me, and she weighs 100 lbs while I'm at 220.

So yea she didn't call last night, I really didn't expect her to. I think she's just trying to distance herself. I don't blame her. I went out to a party but didn't drink, and I left after I was there for 20 minutes. I just wasn't in the mood. I need time to get myself together. My main focus right now, as far as she goes, is that I'm not going to push. I'm not going to be the guy who calls and calls and guilts her by crying on the phone. Now if I talked to her on the phone I probably wouldn't cry, although I did a bit when she told me, and she did too. I'm going to keep my dignity. I prayed a lot about this relationship, and asked God to do whatever he wanted with it. Let your will be done. If this girl is for me, then thank you Lord for the blessing. If she isn't, just let it work out how you desire. Maybe I got my answer, or maybe it's gonna drag out.

All I know is that I thank you all for your concern and opinions. I am very distant right now. And like I said before, i'm quite drained. I notice that when I get like this, after a big emotional event... I always do the same things. I exercise a lot, I play old video games and listen to old music that i grew up listening to. I think its just my way of "getting back to my roots"... and doing what I did when I grew up - finding myself. If and when she calls, I will ask if she's thought about it, and how she feels about it, but I have told her that no matter what the decision is, I will totally respect it. (even if it sucks on my end). Like I said, others may do things their way, well I will do things my way. I know who I am, and I'm not going to drop down a level even IF it means getting the girl.

Well, no matter how it goes, I wish for you only the best.
Hang in there, it'll get easier eventually.

And remember, there's plenty of other fish in the seafood buffet.
Go treat yourself to a feast, someday soon.

:thumbs:

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All I know is that I thank you all for your concern and opinions. I am very distant right now. And like I said before, i'm quite drained. I notice that when I get like this, after a big emotional event... I always do the same things. I exercise a lot, I play old video games and listen to old music that i grew up listening to. I think its just my way of "getting back to my roots"... and doing what I did when I grew up - finding myself. If and when she calls, I will ask if she's thought about it, and how she feels about it, but I have told her that no matter what the decision is, I will totally respect it. (even if it sucks on my end). Like I said, others may do things their way, well I will do things my way. I know who I am, and I'm not going to drop down a level even IF it means getting the girl.

Decka, I have to say, politically we are as different as chalk and cheese but seriously.... YOU, ARE ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS ... any girl would be lucky to get ya! If I had a daughter and she was dating you, I wouldn't worry... well... not overly much.... I would need to nudge ya a tad left but as far as how you would treat her, you would have my blessing.

* You called her on Thursday, and she said she was going to 'stay in'. Later on she's out in a bar with Andrew, throwing darts. She demonstrated that she would rather be with Andrew than with you.

I agree, that was a warning sign. There WERE other things though. The bar she went to is where her sister works.. and she has gone up there without me before. Her sister was training one of her friends that night, so some people might call it "she wanted to be with andrew"... others might call it "she just wanted to go out with friends". Either way, she DID tell me she was going to stay in. However, if she tells me that, and then Andrew calls her and gets her to come out, is she required to call me and tell me? That seems a bit too controlling on my part. She told me that when she was going to tell Andrew to stop talking to her, I shouldn't be there because it would crush him. I could be getting burned, i realize this. On the outside looking in it probably looks like the worst. She is just so trusting.. ugghh I guess I'll just be me, and whatever happens happens.


Since when do you take an ex out to a bar, to drink, and play darts, and tell them you are not going to talk to them anymore? Makes no sense at all.



* She repeatedly used the word, "confused". That is relationship-speak for, "I'm not at all confused, I just don't have the guts to tell you straight-up that I'd rather be with somebody else."

That may be, or it may not. She is either deceiving, as you suggested, or very pure-hearted. Because if she DOES have feelings for someone else, I guess it WOULDN'T be very fair to me. However, I still have to question how you can ALLOW yourself to be put in that situation. If I was dead set and in love, and some ex came up to me, I wouldn't let them in.. it just wouldn't be an option.

No woman is that pure hearted, unless she's 15 and naive, even then I have my doubts.

Andrew is a drama queen...'Ooooh, come be with me or I will kill myself.'
She likes the drama or she would tell him to do it, or as everyone knows, if you talk about it you won't.

She loves the attention from him, and your attention too.

If you are in love with someone, an ex has no room to be there. If she lets him, then she either still cares about him, or loves the drama he creates and she craves.

Only an idiot, or drama queen, lets and ex come between them if they are in love with someone else.


You do deserve better. Move on and stop letting her play you.

It seems like girls would rather be with JERKS than with nice guys....

Why is that??

Because they think they can change them, mother them, turn them into nice guys.

Unfortunately, they cannot.

There's a certain type of girl who will always choose the jackass former flame over the nice guy. They'll do it every time.




Yes.

Dummies, we call them.

It seems like girls would rather be with JERKS than with nice guys....

Why is that??


we don't,well,the majority of us don't like being with jerks.

Decka....if it's meant to be,it will be. Take the time you both need and if she feels you're the one for her,that's great. If she don't,her loss.

It seems like girls would rather be with JERKS than with nice guys....

Why is that??

Nah, its not about being with a jerk, although for some I guess it is... but some guys have the same addiction too. They like the naughty girl who is running around on them. Hooked to other men. They too think they can save her. Its a syndrome that people get into. Its not a simple one, they are not dummies and it is not easily explained. Like all human behaviour it has a source and needs to be dealt with.

We all have our baggage and back issues to deal with. Some people just chose not to deal and thus never change.

The good guy does not always come in last.

The good guy does not always come in last.
...Sometimes he just doesn't finish.

...Sometimes he just doesn't finish.
True, and that's sometimes a blessing rather than a curse even when we can't see it at the time.