Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

LOL That is one of the best jokes I have heard in a long time.

Too bad it wasn't posted in the Humor forum where it belongs.

yes Sedan I did not know there was humor listing because you have to go to all forums and scroll down to see it and I usually only go to debate central. So nice that you have to point that out so rudely but I figured it out after I posted this.
Are you like the forum police or something?

http://img208.imageshack.us/img208/7352/hotfuzzposter5uu2.jpg

ROFL!!

I should get top billing, though.

I should get top billing, though.
You're the fat comic relief sidekick who bumbles around and eats donuts, I'm the hardass straightline hero who beats up negro punk kids and gets t3h wimmenz.

You're the fat comic relief sidekick who bumbles around and eats donuts, I'm the hardass straightline hero who beats up negro punk kids and gets t3h wimmenz.Hmmm.

So much for art imitating life. :eek:

Hmmm.

So much for art imitating life. :eek:
you don't like donuts, eh?

you don't like donuts, eh?
He prefers Iraqi children ribs in a nice KBR petrol glaze cooked over a huge deficit with his friends...it is a newly acquired taste after he got sick of quail.

He prefers Iraqi children ribs in a nice KBR petrol glaze cooked over a huge deficit with his friends...it is a newly acquired taste after he got sick of quail.
i would have thought crack babies roasted over stolen Iraqi oil, but to each there own:cool:

Well, I guess if you're going to give me writing credits on the movie poster, I'd better go ahead and write something:


Warrior1972 is perched on her computer chair, enjoying an evening of web-forum browsing:

The apartment door crashes open with a loud bang, and two uniformed police officers storm into the room with guns drawn.

Internet Cops: “FREEZE!!! Don’t move a muscle!!”

Warrior1972: “AAaaaggh!!!”

Sedan: “You were right, Evak.”

Evakian: “Yep. I sure am glad that we busted in here when we did.”

Warrior1972: “What are you talking about? Why did you come crashing in to my place of residence?”

Sedan: “Ma’am, you are under arrest for Intent to Commit Acts of Web-forum Treason!”

Warrior1972: “Whaaa-aa-ah?? What the hell are you talking about?”

Evakian: “Well, technically, the law is an umbrella statute used to refer to any deviant internet act that violates the normal and acceptable rules of web-forum decorum. That inclusive interpretation includes over-use of the contraction, ‘LOL’, and even typing in all lower-case letters when it’s just as easy to hit the shift button once or twice a sentence. But the predominant understanding of the rule relates it to inappropriate, renegade thread-posting.”

Warrior1972: “But I just posted a religious joke in the ‘Religion & Philosophy’ forum. What the heck is so wrong about that?”

Sedan: (thumping the Warrior1972 over the head with his billy club) “Pipe down, heretical woman! You’re in bigger trouble than you know! This is not the first time you’ve posted ‘Humor’ in the ‘Religion & Philosophy’ forum. Remember the man falling asleep in church bit?”

Warrior1972: “What’s the big deal? I don’t get it. And by the way, where do you get off setting the rules for everyone else?”

Evakian: (rummaging around in the kitchen cabinets, searching for donuts) “It’s a question of maintaining a standard for the rest of society to live by. If we don’t do it, who will?”

Warrior1972: (nursing a lump on her head) “Look, I was just using the device of humor to make a religious and/or philosophical point. It’s not that big a deal, really.”

Sedan: “Sure, but where does it all end? It starts with inappropriate thread-posting, and that leads to typing ‘thier’ when you mean to spell ‘their’, and before you know it, you are posting great big giant 500,000 megapixel photos to the forum, when everybody knows the maximum allowable size is 50 x 50 pixels. (he thumps her over the head with his billy club again) “You deviant anarchist!!”

Warrior1972: “OW! Look, I swear I won’t do it anymore. Now, please stop hitting me with that stick!”

Sedan: “All right, but only if you recite the oath, and promise to straighten up and fly right. Evak, go ahead and do the honors if you will, sir.”

The second cop finishes off a Pop Tart that he had found in the kitchen, produces a large black notebook, and flips through the pages until he comes to the right passage.

Evakian: “OK. Warrior1972, do you, being of sound mind and body, swear to uphold the rules of polite internet society and web-decorum?”

Warrior1972: (raising her right hand) “I do.”

Evakian: “Do you swear to post all jokes and funny stuff exclusively to the ‘Humor’ forum, and further swear to use the Spell-Check feature on your computer prior to posting any lengthy diatribes?”

Warrior1972: “I do.”

Sedan: “Do you swear or affirm that you will carefully and meticulously use the ‘Quote’ feature so that you may argue each and every point contained in every single discussion in the ‘Politics’ forum, point by point, ad nauseum?”

Warrior1972: “I do.”

Evakian: “And finally, do you swear that you will never, ever cut and paste those funky, irritating Hindu-Pakistani characters from the óñëóãàìè ïðîøó îòïèñàòü â ëè÷êó âñåì ñïàñèáî ñïàñèáî threads, and try to create funny, ironic responses with them?”

Warrior1972: “I don’t ever do that. Who would do such a thing?”

Sedan: “Never mind. It’s very irritating, no matter who does it. Do you swear?”

Warrior1972: “Yes, I do. I swear.”

Evakian: “Then under the laws, rules, and regulations of the allforums Internet Police handbook, I do hereby pronounce you blessed, purged, baptized, expunged, and exorcised of all web-wrongdoing. You are free to resume your evening internet activities.”

The cops collect their batons and notebooks and proceed out the door, and toward the waiting patrol car.

Sedan leans back into the door way for a moment, on the way out.
“You can consider this a free one, madam, and count yourself quite fortunate. Not all Internet Police are as forgiving and good-hearted as we are. Have a good evening.” He tips his cap.

Warrior1972: “Thank you, Officer Sedan, and God bless you. And God bless the United States of America!!”

She secures the door, and then heads off to the kitchen to heat up a Pop Tart.


:eek:

The second man.

yes Sedan I did not know there was humor listing because you have to go to all forums and scroll down to see it and I usually only go to debate central. So nice that you have to point that out so rudely but I figured it out after I posted this.
Are you like the forum police or something?


Maybe if you spend half the time it took to take CNN for everything theyre worth - you would know what is and is not on the site.

stop trolling me.
As for CNN I like CNN because they are Independent and do not sway left or right but in the middle. CNN is very reputable.

http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comic.php?d=20070407

el oh el.

"If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being."
-- Rev Jerry Falwell

this loser is on his deathbed ... there's hope for the world!