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View Full Version : Astrological Signs - don't read it if you believe in em


WindWip
10-26-2006, 04:19 PM
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined
to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are
inclined to be careless to be careless and impractical, causing you to
make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a freakin'
jerk.

PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think
you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence
over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You
lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small
animals and pick their noses.

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people
in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of
advice. You are a prick.

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have
dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are
stubborn and bullheaded.
--> Damn straight!!

GEMINI (May 21 - Jun 20) You are quick and intelligent and a thinker.
People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to
expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard.
Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER (Jun 21 - Jul 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to
other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always
putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and
won't be worth a damn.

LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others
think you are pushy. Most Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss
mirrors a lot.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sep 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder.
This shit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and
unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus
drivers and pimps.

LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult
time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Chances
for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are
whores. All Libras die of veneral disease.

SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be
trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your
total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio
people are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You
have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The
majority of Sagittarians are drunks and pot heads. People laugh at you
a lot because you are always getting fucked.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking
risks. You are basically chicken shit. There has never been a
Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

rendova
10-26-2006, 04:41 PM
LOL, true, so true.

PS.
I don't HAVE a sign. I refuse to believe that an orbiting chunk of rock 90 gazillion miles away has any effect whatsover on human behavior.




















































PPS. My horoscope said I'd be kinda grumpy today......

WindWip
10-26-2006, 04:48 PM
wait, which one are you?

mine's taurus, if you couldn't tell already

rendova
10-26-2006, 04:54 PM
I am a Pisces person.
Everything about what you posted is correct, except you forgot to add that we're also charming, intelligent, highly educated, idealistic, give millions away to the poor, are beautiful, ageless, kind hearted, serene, live on a higher plane, and are modest.

The Dude
10-26-2006, 06:22 PM
Im a libra and i can truly believe everything it says about CANCERS!!

:(

Dunkirk101
10-27-2006, 05:27 AM
Wow, I guess I'm really screwed :eek:

Seeing that my birthday is Dec19th (just two days from Capricorn), Most people see me as being the combination of both (Saggitorn or Capritarious or something to that effect), so I wonder what the horoscope reads for "Gods special Children" like myself. :)

WindWip
10-27-2006, 01:20 PM
heh, I showed this to my friend who happens to be a little promiscuous, but she is very defensive about it and HATES it when people mention anything to the effect. Guess which sign she was -

Here's a hint, it has something to do with being a whore, and dying from a veneral disease.

es347fan
10-27-2006, 06:50 PM
I've never been on welfare.

~Sal~
10-28-2006, 10:35 PM
Pushy........ridiculous... I would never be pushy...people just follow me 'cause I am so suave and debonair and fun and smart and witty, and talented and energetic and frankly they enjoy serving me in the way I have become accustomed to...which is of course only fitting and right. And they know that what's theirs is MINE...it's that simple. Any fool would know.

Zer0k
11-07-2006, 12:28 AM
anyone ever listen to Wier Al Yankovics song "your horiscope for today" ? if not here are the lyrics

Aquarius
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day

Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say

Aries
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

Taurus
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today

Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest

Cancer
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test

Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
but let me give you my assurance that these forcasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of the is absolutely true.

Where was I?

Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week

Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak

Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den

Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying
If I were you, I's lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again