We went to the cemetery today, my wife and I, my mother-in-law and father-in-law. We drove past row after row of identically shaped white marble headstones to the first lane that turns back toward the gate and parked the car. From there we walked a short distance to the one particular headstone of the more than 160,000 in evidence at Fort Snelling National Cemetery that we had come to visit. My wife and mother-in-law laid down flowers and rose-petals and a sprinkling of halloween-colored M&M's. My mother-in-law said it seemed like only yesterday, I said it seemed like a lifetime ago. I guess we can both be right on occasion.

It does seem like only yesterday that I heard my wife sobbing, nearly staggering her way down the stairs. She'd answered the phone a few minutes before and had received the worst of all possible news: her daughter, Sgt. Jamie Michalsky, had been killed by a suicide bomber in Kabul, Afghanistan. The shock of those moments was so severe that it still seems like only yesterday in my mind. But it wasn't. It was two years ago, 23 October 2004. A lifetime ago.

For a while now I've been wanting to write something about this tragedy for our forum here. A number of things have held me back. Some folks are very private in their grief, my wife and I among them. It also is very difficult to talk about, let alone write. I'm struggling for words as I sit here even now. And of course there was the possibility my motives might be misconstrued, that I might be suspected of casting some undue viability onto my otherwise unworthy opinions. I've been sorely tempted though, when faced with the "You'd think different if it was your kid over there!" that gets thrown around every now and then, to lash out with all the anger I can muster. But somehow I never have, maybe because this is so personal for me. It isn't politics or some never-ending debate for my family. It's our life.

So why am I bringing it up now? Maybe just to get it off my chest. A few months ago I shared some of the story with Vilepagan in a PM and we talked about it a little. He said it seemed to him that I really wanted to talk about it and as usual he is right. I told him that if I hadn't brought it up by the second anniversary of Jamie's death I would do so at that time. So here I am. But I think the main reason why I want to talk about it is that over the past year you guys have become my friends. Even those of you I fight with all the time. You're like an extended family to me and I place value on what most of you think. And yes, I know that reflects poorly upon me.

Let me tell you a little about Jamie, about what we've lost. She was born out of wedlock, her mother being fifteen at the time, and was raised by her grandmother in a converted schoolhouse outside a small town in rural Minnesota. She grew up to be a big strong girl with a bad attitude, close to 5'11" and 180 pounds of mostly muscle. She got good grades in school and played defenseman on the girl's hockey team. Her first job was working as a veterinary assistant. She tried college for a year and discovered she didn't fit in so she joined the army -- where she fit in pretty darn well. Before 9/11 she did a tour in Egypt and then attended the Defense Language Institute in Monterey CA, emerging as a Russian language interpreter. After 9/11 she was sent to Afghanistan for a year. When she came back the first time she trained to become a police officer in Harker Heights TX. After graduating there she took an interpreting job as a civilian contractor and returned to Afghanistan. To sum up, she packed a whole lot of life into her 24 years on the planet. We can only imagine how much she had ahead of her.

I'll stop here for a while and see how this thread develops. In the meantime here are a couple of links. The first was written by one of her instructors at DLI. The second is a video Jamie made as a Christmas present the year before she was killed.

http://www.dliflc.edu/alumni/journal/jamie.htm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VfT306NP7_0

A very moving story, Sedan.

I can't imagine how much of a feeling of loss you must feel. I'm very sorry.

Please do not inject any political opinion whatsoever into this thread, though.

I don't think I could stomach the inevitable accusation by some Conservative fuck here that you are simply using your loss to *cash in*.

I'm so sorry for your loss. She chose a very difficult field during a very tough time. Being a soldier is never easy, and typically a thankless profession. May she rest in peace with her compatriots in that final field of honor.

Harker Heights is a miserable little dump of a town in central Texas. I used to know it well. It exists only because of Fort Hood. Better she stayed a soldier.

My deepest condolences to you and to your family. The video is a beautiful tribute to a life which was too short but obviously full.

Thank you for having the courage to share your loss and the strength to write about it here in the forum.

Tonight as I lay down to sleep I will remember her face and think of you and your wife. One is not supposed to outlive one's child. May you find peace.

While at Hood, the main thing I remember about Harker Heights is used cars and mobile homes for sale.

Sedan, I am glad you shared your grief with us. I hope it helps.
We have a boy (Airforce) in Saudi right now. His second trip.

In another time, another war, I lost many that were close to me. Time helps, but the memories are always there to be awakened by a thought or action.

My heart goes out to you and yours, my friend.

Words are just that, words. But, you do have my sympathy, even though I really have no idea of what you are going through.
Fortunately. I haven't had to suffer losing a loved one in a war, and I hope I never will, though I have been close to it. My mother lost a brother in one war, worried about her husband (who became my father) in another and worried with my aunt about my aunt's husband in another. My two brothers ended up in another and now my niece's son is on embarkation leave for Iraq.

Please do not inject any political opinion whatsoever into this thread, though.I wont mind if the thread becomes political. I'll be surprised if it doesn't. I posted it here to discuss whatever comes up and Chat Central just didn't seem like the right place to do that.

Harker Heights is a miserable little dump of a town in central Texas. I used to know it well. It exists only because of Fort Hood.No kidding. I went down there to retrieve her truck while she was away and was less than impressed. OTOH, four of their police officers made the drive up here to attend her funeral. That was greatly appreciated. Better she stayed a soldier.I don't think she had any long-term plans to remain either one. But who knows? She was a very unpredictable young lady.

My family and I extend to you and your family our deepest condolences, sedan.

It is not growing like a tree
in bulk, doth make men better be....

I, too, am so terribly sorry for your loss, Sedan. You and your wife have my deepest condolences. :(
I don't think I could stomach the inevitable accusation by some Conservative fuck here that you are simply using your loss to *cash in*.
Nice.

If you can't discernibly tell a difference between what Sedan has done here and what Cindy Sheehan did in front of this nation for political purposes, then I've seriously overestimated your intellect.

That's about the most offensive thing I've ever seen you write.

Thanks for sharing Sedan - that must've been difficult.

Let this thread be a reminder that the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are more than just political exercises to be debated on talk shows and discussion forums. There are real people out there fighting those wars and there are real people who lose their lives doing it. As casualties mount, it's easy to start seeing them as mere numbers and statistics; X number of casualties this month, Y number of casualties this year, etc. But we have to remember that behind each and every one of those statistics, there is a story like the one above.

My deepest condolences Sedan. Let us never forget that every time we hear another three casualties today, that there are another three grieving families.

Thanks for sharing sedan.

War is shit.

A terrible loss...

Well sedan, I'd like to send my best wishes to you and yours, but it seems that has already been done, so I'll try not to rehash the same message.

Being the youngest, most inexperienced member of allForums, I have yet to have someone in my life die, and obviously not the dearest loss of all--the life of your child. When you're young, things seem open to all sorts of possibilities, and you are not so much concerned with things higher than yourself unless it effects your joy or lifestyle. Yet I see here someone that did happen to care about things other than their own selfish well-being, as she joined the military. Despite what has transpired in the past few years, I beg you never to politicize the death of your child, and to take grave offense at anyone who does so. What your daughter did was, in essence, noble; that is, to give one's life to help her compatriots life their life in a peaceful and free fashion.

I don't know what the future will hold for me, but hopefully I will have the courage to stand up to life's challenges with a fraction of your daughter's bravery. My best wishes to her and your family.

You know, sometimes, Evak, you really surprise me. That was lucid, well written, and really heart-felt. For being only 16, your English is truly exceptional.

Sorry to interrupt, Sedan, but I felt that needed saying.

Im sorry for your l0ss my friend :(

God bless you..........

There's nothing I can say which has not already been said, but I am truly sorry for your loss. I have seen many people idle away their years, but Jamie seemed to have made the best of her time here. I'm sure that you were very proud of her.

Thank you for sharing with us, we all appreciate it.

I feel for you. Undoubtedly tough. and words can't express.

Thank you all for your condolences. My family and I very much appreciate them.

I'd like to say something about the man who did this to us. In the days and weeks following Jamie's death I kept expecting anger and hatred to rise up inside of me. But these feelings never materialized. There was deep sorrow and great pain (I came very close to drinking myself to death, but that's another story) but no rage. This puzzled me and to a certain extent it still does. Part of it, I think, is that it made no sense to wish him dead -- he already was. But even more than this you find yourself trying to understand the 'why' of it all. What went on inside his head? What drove him to this act of hatred and desperation? How did he justify it to himself?

A consequence of trying to answer questions like these is that as you try to place yourself in the mind of the attacker you begin to identify with him -- the so-called Stockholm Syndrome is very real I think. But I can never feel sympathy for this man. Even if he thought Jamie was a legitimate target the ten year old girl she was standing next to certainly wasn't. (That in itself raises further questions: did he have any sisters? did he regard females as less than human? why kill yourself over targets of inconsequential value? the list goes on ...).

Eventually you fall back on what you know and what you can reasonably assume. The man was a Taliban militant. He was pre-conditioned by his religion, culture and experience to hate the invading infidels. All it really took to set him on his destructive course was for someone he trusted and respected to persuade him that blowing himself up to kill others was the right thing to do. In other words, I'm reasonably certain that Jamie's killer was manipulated into committing the act. This, I think, partly explains why I feel more pity than hatred for him. The hatred should go to the one who manipulated him -- and it's hard to put hatred on someone whose name or face you do not even know.

Sedan, I have known plenty of death in my life but never death through terrorism/war so if my comments/questions are insensitive or you wish not to answer them please just ignore this.


I'd like to say something about the man who did this to us. In the days and weeks following Jamie's death I kept expecting anger and hatred to rise up inside of me. But these feelings never materialized. There was deep sorrow and great pain (I came very close to drinking myself to death, but that's another story) but no rage. This puzzled me and to a certain extent it still does. Part of it, I think, is that it made no sense to wish him dead -- he already was. But even more than this you find yourself trying to understand the 'why' of it all. What went on inside his head? What drove him to this act of hatred and desperation? How did he justify it to himself?.
I don't know for certain but my guess is that I would not feel anger or hatred towards the murderer either. If I did, I believe it would be a passing emotion. I think my rage or anger would be directed more towards the simple truth that I was without the presence of my loved one. And there would be anger about the suffering that it had caused to those around me. I think perhaps rage, anger and hatred are emotions which we punish ourselves with. They are so negative they are soul sucking and ultimately they destroy the one who holds them. So I would say I am glad for you sedan for I do believe that such events make or break us and determine how we will live the rest of our life.

A consequence of trying to answer questions like these is that as you try to place yourself in the mind of the attacker you begin to identify with him -- the so-called Stockholm Syndrome is very real I think. But I can never feel sympathy for this man. Even if he thought Jamie was a legitimate target the ten year old girl she was standing next to certainly wasn't. (That in itself raises further questions: did he have any sisters? did he regard females as less than human? why kill yourself over targets of inconsequential value? the list goes on ...).
Do you think this changed who you are as a person?

Eventually you fall back on what you know and what you can reasonably assume. The man was a Taliban militant. He was pre-conditioned by his religion, culture and experience to hate the invading infidels. All it really took to set him on his destructive course was for someone he trusted and respected to persuade him that blowing himself up to kill others was the right thing to do. In other words, I'm reasonably certain that Jamie's killer was manipulated into committing the act. This, I think, partly explains why I feel more pity than hatred for him. The hatred should go to the one who manipulated him -- and it's hard to put hatred on someone whose name or face you do not even know.
Has this affected the way you look at fellow human beings in general?

Sedan, I have known plenty of death in my life but never death through terrorism/war so if my comments/questions are insensitive or you wish not to answer them please just ignore this.Not at all. I hope that anyone who has something to say feels free to say it.So I would say I am glad for you sedan for I do believe that such events make or break us and determine how we will live the rest of our life.Thank you and for the most part I agree, but I do think that who we already are can largely determine whether we are made or broken by tragedy. I was extremely lucky in this respect.Do you think this changed who you are as a person?Radically. I've been sober for 21 months now and sobriety has greatly improved me as a person. A few months prior to Jamie's death the two teenagers in our home (my stepson and his sister) had lost their father to a heart attack. These kids were in a world of hurt but my own world of hurt was far more important to me. I drank myself into a stupor every night and was a self-absorbed grouchy asshole the rest of the time. Those months were the moral low point of my life. When my wife and family most needed me to be strong I was weak, and I look back on that time with great shame. It's impossible to say whether I would have found my way to recovery without Jamie's death -- in fact, I'd say the odds were very much against it. I can and do tell myself that without the chain of events that followed losing Jamie I would still be drinking (or more likely dead already). It helps me to think that she gave me a second chance at life. Whether it's true or not is completely irrelevant. It works and that's all that matters.Has this affected the way you look at fellow human beings in general?No, not really. I still believe that there are good and bad people everywhere, that no race or nation or religion has a monopoly on vice or virtue. It's best to take people one at a time.

Thank you and for the most part I agree, but I do think that who we already are can largely determine whether we are made or broken by tragedy. I would agree with that because who we already are will shape the way we view the tragedy.

I was extremely lucky in this respect.Radically. I've been sober for 21 months now and sobriety has greatly improved me as a person.
Congratulations on that Sedan.



A few months prior to Jamie's death the two teenagers in our home (my stepson and his sister) had lost their father to a heart attack. These kids were in a world of hurt but my own world of hurt was far more important to me. I drank myself into a stupor every night and was a self-absorbed grouchy asshole the rest of the time. Those months were the moral low point of my life. When my wife and family most needed me to be strong I was weak, and I look back on that time with great shame. It's impossible to say whether I would have found my way to recovery without Jamie's death -- in fact, I'd say the odds were very much against it. I can and do tell myself that without the chain of events that followed losing Jamie I would still be drinking (or more likely dead already). It helps me to think that she gave me a second chance at life. Whether it's true or not is completely irrelevant. It works and that's all that matters.
Well they do say rock bottom either kills you or makes you find your feet. I think tragedy either makes us bitter or better. For you it was a rebirth.


No, not really. I still believe that there are good and bad people everywhere, that no race or nation or religion has a monopoly on vice or virtue. It's best to take people one at a time.
May your journey continue to lead you towards the light. Once again thanks for sharing. It is easy to forget that there is a person behind the keyboard and that we have no idea what events have shaped them or what their current day has offered in terms of joy or sorrow. Peace!

Please do not inject any political opinion whatsoever into this thread, though.

I don't think I could stomach the inevitable accusation by some Conservative fuck here that you are simply using your loss to *cash in*.

the stupid fuck cant even finish his though about keeping politics out of something without bringing it up himself.

My condolences to you and your family my friend, I hope in some small way sharing this tragic event with us eases your pain slightly, I dont pray much, but I'll say one tonite.

I was browsing through some pictures earlier this evening and thought I'd share a few.


http://img144.imageshack.us/img144/8407/memygirljs6.jpg


http://img142.imageshack.us/img142/1814/skiliquorox4.jpg


http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/7549/jamie2hq6.jpg

A sad anniversary.

Sedan, there are no words to express your loss, and I do not possess the eloquence to express my condolences. Please accept this with my heartfelt sympathies.

Since I do not possess the words, I shall borrow the words of others:

The Flood
Blood has been harder to dam back than water.
Just when we think we have it impounded safe
Behind new barrier walls (and let it chafe!),
It breaks away in some new kind of slaughter.
We choose to say it is let loose by the devil;
But power of blood itself releases blood.
It goes by might of being such a flood
Held high at so unnatural a level.
It will have outlet, brave and not so brave.
weapons of war and implements of peace
Are but the points at which it finds release.
And now it is once more the tidal wave
That when it has swept by leaves summits stained.
Oh, blood will out. It cannot be contained.
-Robert Frost

My deepest apologies.

Fine looking woman Sedan.

In our thoughts and in or minds.

Sedan,

I cannot imagine the sadness that must come with losing a child. My heart goes out to you and your wife.

While there is a hole in your heart caused by your loss there is also a special place in your heart caused by knowing her.

You and you wife and Jamie will be in my prayers tonight.

:(

Wow, I know I've said this before, but once again - I'm sooooo sorry for your loss, Sedan. Stay strong, and Godspeed.

Thank you for sharing that Sedan. My heart goes out to you and your family.

She seemed like a very beautiful person and I think the whole world lost out when she passed.

I just read this thread for the first time.....I'm never sure how to react to people dying. For whatever it's worth, I'm sorry to hear this, sedan.

Sedan - you have given her a great tribute today. There is NOTHING worse than losing your child. My heartfelt sympathies and wishes go to you and the mother of this beautiful spirit who was cut down too soon.


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