texaslife
02-26-2006, 05:15 PM
A humor take on cell fakers from dallasnews.com/humorme
Humor Me: Cell phonies are fakin it
By MATT WIXON / The Dallas Morning News
mwixon@dallasnews.com
In a recent survey, 25 percent of cell phone users said that they make fake calls.
Why?
Unfortunately, the fakers didn't have time to explain. They were too busy talking on their phones in voices loud enough to carry across Starbucks about buying a Caribbean island. Or selling their screenplay. Or how they "absolutely cannot agree to anything less than $20 million, Mr. Trump."
Ah, the cell phonies. It's fun to watch them work their fantasies. Talking about remodeling their guest house. Asking if someone has shoes to match their $3,500 Bottega Veneta suit. Negotiating a recording deal for their rap album.
And then, in the middle of a conversation, the phone rings and everyone knows we are fakes. Wait, I mean they are fakes.
OK, I'm a cell phony too. But I'm not like the people who walk through the mall with the hands-free devices, gesturing wildly, looking like they are taking orders for Time-Life's "Ultimate Love Songs" while they browse at The Gap.
I'm a much less obvious cell phony. For example, when on the phone with my good friend Dirk you know, NBA star Dirk Nowitzki I always speak with an authentic German accent and throw in words like "bratwurst" and "gesundheit." Also, I wear lederhosen.
For the most part, however, I don't make fake calls to impress. Like most cell phonies, I make fake calls to avoid.
To avoid what?
Awkward social situations, that's what.
Like when I'm at a party and I can't remember the name of somebody who approaches me. I could try to make it through the awkwardness with something like "Hi, you" or "Hey, buddy" or "How's it going, uhh ... fellow human." But it's much easier to flip open my phone and pretend I have an important call:
Yes, I'm at a party, but if this is urgent, I guess I can talk (shrugging my shoulders at ol' what's his or her name). Uh-huh, uh-huh. I understand. Sauerkraut. Wunderkind. Fahrvergnugen.
Fake calls can also help you escape door-to-door salesmen, panhandlers and slow elevator rides with fans of Skating With Celebrities. They're also a good survival tool for one of life's most awkward quandaries: greeting with a hug or a handshake.
You know what I'm talking about. Whether it's with a distant relative, close colleague or other connection, everyone at some point chooses the wrong greeting. You reach out with a handshake, notice too late that a hug is coming and end up in some blundering half-hug that leaves your friend/relative/person-whose-name-escapes-you feeling like a contagious disease.
It doesn't have to be that way. Just flip open your phone and extend a handshake. How can somebody try to hug you when you're in the middle of an important conversation with the outgoing message on your voicemail?
Avoiding awkward greetings is reason enough to own a cell phone, or something plastic and shiny that you pretend to talk into. Fake calls are especially useful if you work in an office, where the supplies, water cooler, meeting room and restrooms are often at the end of a long hallway.
That means you pass the same person in the hallway over and over, and after about 10 times in one day, the small talk gets awkward. You've both said "hello." You've both downgraded to just raising your eyebrows to acknowledge the other's presence. You've both said "what's up?" and gotten the nonsensical response of, "pretty good."
It gets more awkward with each pass. But once again, with a phone, or shiny plastic facsimile, you are golden. You don't have to say anything to your colleague good ol' what's his or her name.
You don't have to say anything into the phone, either. You don't even have to turn it on. That will save the battery for later, when you need to make an important call to discuss loudly that you only want the Ferrari if it comes in metallic red.
More Humor Me columns are at www.dallasnews.com/humorme
Humor Me: Cell phonies are fakin it
By MATT WIXON / The Dallas Morning News
mwixon@dallasnews.com
In a recent survey, 25 percent of cell phone users said that they make fake calls.
Why?
Unfortunately, the fakers didn't have time to explain. They were too busy talking on their phones in voices loud enough to carry across Starbucks about buying a Caribbean island. Or selling their screenplay. Or how they "absolutely cannot agree to anything less than $20 million, Mr. Trump."
Ah, the cell phonies. It's fun to watch them work their fantasies. Talking about remodeling their guest house. Asking if someone has shoes to match their $3,500 Bottega Veneta suit. Negotiating a recording deal for their rap album.
And then, in the middle of a conversation, the phone rings and everyone knows we are fakes. Wait, I mean they are fakes.
OK, I'm a cell phony too. But I'm not like the people who walk through the mall with the hands-free devices, gesturing wildly, looking like they are taking orders for Time-Life's "Ultimate Love Songs" while they browse at The Gap.
I'm a much less obvious cell phony. For example, when on the phone with my good friend Dirk you know, NBA star Dirk Nowitzki I always speak with an authentic German accent and throw in words like "bratwurst" and "gesundheit." Also, I wear lederhosen.
For the most part, however, I don't make fake calls to impress. Like most cell phonies, I make fake calls to avoid.
To avoid what?
Awkward social situations, that's what.
Like when I'm at a party and I can't remember the name of somebody who approaches me. I could try to make it through the awkwardness with something like "Hi, you" or "Hey, buddy" or "How's it going, uhh ... fellow human." But it's much easier to flip open my phone and pretend I have an important call:
Yes, I'm at a party, but if this is urgent, I guess I can talk (shrugging my shoulders at ol' what's his or her name). Uh-huh, uh-huh. I understand. Sauerkraut. Wunderkind. Fahrvergnugen.
Fake calls can also help you escape door-to-door salesmen, panhandlers and slow elevator rides with fans of Skating With Celebrities. They're also a good survival tool for one of life's most awkward quandaries: greeting with a hug or a handshake.
You know what I'm talking about. Whether it's with a distant relative, close colleague or other connection, everyone at some point chooses the wrong greeting. You reach out with a handshake, notice too late that a hug is coming and end up in some blundering half-hug that leaves your friend/relative/person-whose-name-escapes-you feeling like a contagious disease.
It doesn't have to be that way. Just flip open your phone and extend a handshake. How can somebody try to hug you when you're in the middle of an important conversation with the outgoing message on your voicemail?
Avoiding awkward greetings is reason enough to own a cell phone, or something plastic and shiny that you pretend to talk into. Fake calls are especially useful if you work in an office, where the supplies, water cooler, meeting room and restrooms are often at the end of a long hallway.
That means you pass the same person in the hallway over and over, and after about 10 times in one day, the small talk gets awkward. You've both said "hello." You've both downgraded to just raising your eyebrows to acknowledge the other's presence. You've both said "what's up?" and gotten the nonsensical response of, "pretty good."
It gets more awkward with each pass. But once again, with a phone, or shiny plastic facsimile, you are golden. You don't have to say anything to your colleague good ol' what's his or her name.
You don't have to say anything into the phone, either. You don't even have to turn it on. That will save the battery for later, when you need to make an important call to discuss loudly that you only want the Ferrari if it comes in metallic red.
More Humor Me columns are at www.dallasnews.com/humorme