Courtesy of Rick Mercer from "This Hour Has 22 Minutes"
CBC Television:

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to
the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very
well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.

I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron.

He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any
consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on
the people of America.
After all it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have
more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber
that's cheaper and better than your own.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our
excuse would be that our team was much, much, better than yours.

I'm sorry we burnt down your white house during the war of 1812.
I notice you've rebuilt it! It's Very Nice.

I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your
beer but, we Feel your Pain.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up
against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side.
I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against
Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're
constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which
is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset
over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

Thank you.