For those of you who are parents, you have probably dealt with some form of acting out, disobedience, or disrespect from your offspring. There comes a need to assert one’s self, deal out a punishment, and show the child “who is the boss”, who pays the bills and provides for them, and so you do so.

Some physically punish their children, it does its job, gets the child quiet, and requires minimal effort on regard to the parent. But this method can be hurtful to the child, and reflect poorly on the parent, even downright cruel.
When the child matures into its teenage years it develops to far greater strengths, while the parent declines physically, and with no punishment but bodily all their life…what reason have they to fear rebelling, as they face nothing they cannot handle fine. So this method can often prove ineffective later on.

Others play “mind games” with their child by some form of restriction, i.e. “grounded”, to punish their child. This requires a persevering parent with a keen sense of their child, but may not work depending on how the child responds, and the severity of such limitations.
In the younger years, an active, “whiney” child may not deal well with this, and as a teenager they might act out and see no reason to obey. So this method also proves ineffective in certain scenarios.

There are times when parents do a mix of them, or do one to great extent, or try their hand at another brand, or forgo the use of punishment all together. All methods depend on the case and the people, but some may work better than others. These are just observations I’ve made, so are not necessarily infallible conclusions. But my question to start the thread is this:

What kind of punishment do you use on your child and why?

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but in America we’ve only but a pair of people, sometimes just one person, to do it…and that can prove a trying experience if what I gather is right :).
So share your thoughts and methodology of parenting and dealing with unruly youngsters, I just thought it was an interesting topic and I am curious. Let’s hear it!

Being a single parent my dad shouted alot but would never resort to physical punishment. He found it alot easier to get seriously loud (and scarey) to me, than he did with my sister whom systimatically took to abusing him for money, staying out late etc.

To be fair It didnt altogether work as rebelled, but in retrospect I respect him to the hilt for trying and would stand by him on anything today.

Its difficult for parents these days, and I do believe that social climates play a huge part in how the child reacts to their parent. For instance a child living in a posh area, going to a private school will be more inclined to respect his parents and be polite etc than say a kid growing up in the "ghetto" (Slough trading estates for us british) living in council housing and going to badly funded public schools is more likely to socialise with groups who encourage anti social behaviour both to their parents and others.

I dont believe a quick slap across the back of the legs is harmful to a child pyschologically, however if that increases to punches etc then its seriously out of line and shouldnt be tolerated.

I have just the most amazing respect for my Dad because he had to bring up two children on his own, who basically gave him shit for 10 years of his life. He made mistakes, all parents do, but he always tried 100% to give us the best things in life and I think if the parents in question are totally commited to providing the best life for their children then they are good parents, regardless of the mistakes they make.

Originally posted by Lokideviluk
I have just the most amazing respect for my Dad because he had to bring up two children on his own, who basically gave him shit for 10 years of his life. He made mistakes, all parents do, but he always tried 100% to give us the best things in life and I think if the parents in question are totally commited to providing the best life for their children then they are good parents, regardless of the mistakes they make.

That's nice Loki. :)

I hope you've told your father this at every opportunity.

Originally posted by Vilepagan
That's nice Loki. :)

I hope you've told your father this at every opportunity.

Not really, ironically we dont speak to each other all that much. We have such utterly seperate interests its sort of straining on both sides when we do lol.

This doesnt affect the fact that Im constantly trying "buying" new ways to make money so I can give him financial freedom, and quite honestly im geared towards making his life easier.

What about you? What were your parents like, do you get along?

Originally posted by Lokideviluk
Not really, ironically we dont speak to each other all that much. We have such utterly seperate interests its sort of straining on both sides when we do lol.

This doesnt affect the fact that Im constantly trying "buying" new ways to make money so I can give him financial freedom, and quite honestly im geared towards making his life easier.

What about you? What were your parents like, do you get along?

My parents are both deceased.

My parents were divorced when I was 2 and they re-married when I was 7...they divorced again when I was an adult...My dad was a Chief Petty Officer in the Navy, and also a paranoid schizophrenic. He was asked to leave the Navy because of it, and I know he was always disappointed at that fact. He worked as a tool and die maker after leaving the Navy the year I was born. My memories of him are tainted with a lot of fear. He could be loud and very intimidating, when he wished. Both my parents drank more than their fair share, and when his meds and the liquor mixed wrong, bedlam ensued. As he got older the meds became more sophisticated and he seemed to mellow out considerably. In the decade and a half before he died I had the opportunity to spend more time with him as my siblings live on opposite coasts, and he needed more help with day-to-day life due to other health problems. It was during this period that I finally got to know my father as a person. He was thoughtful, wise, and had an interest in Hindu Spiritualism. I also came to appreciate the sacrifices he made and the struggle he faced supporting a family, while suffering from this grotesque mental illness. Take the time to get to know your father Loki, before you know it, it'll be too late. :)

Mom was a kind, loving person. She taught us manners, and insisted upon them. She taught me to love learning, and a love of words, which is perhaps her greatest gift IMO. As I said, my parents were both drinkers and she held up her end. I think she was a profoundly unhappy woman. She stayed with her husband until the kids were gone and then left. I don't blame her for it, but I don't think it made her any happier either. When I was 23 she told me that she was pretty sure my biological father was a captain in the Marines. She told me this because she wanted me to know I wasn't at risk to inherit schizophrenia from my father (the man mentioned above). She was a person who did her best under very trying circumstances and whatever mistakes she may have made I attribute to her humanity.

Vilepagan,
i'm glad you got to know your father.

On my own end--we have 5 kids. We have rarely punished any of them.

Neither of us likes loud or conflict. We realized by talking and explaining, which even very young children can understand, we could accomplish a lot more.

The few times we had to discipline we found that sending the wrongdoer to their room, or taking away a few priveledges, worked best. Usually this worked. If not, a more severe action was warranted, like grounding.

We all work hard and all have our chores. If people keep busy there's usually no time for acting up.

A few times I have given the kids a smack on the behind with a wooden spoon. This usually provoked laughter, not fear of any kind. When they saw me getting out the spank spoon, it was joke time. Apparently I didn't hit as hard as my Dad did.

I remember arguing vehemently against corporal punishment on a similar thread about 2 years ago.
Then my 3 years old daughter started being so crazy (I can't find a better word in english but there must be one) when bedtime came that we ultimatelty resorted to spanking to calm jer down. It worked for a time but ultimately it did not solve her problem so we decided to stop that - we felt bad and it did not help her.

We then became stricter about her time schedule, and used a small alarm clock to show her what "five more minutes and then it's time to go to bed"' meant. When the clock beeps, it's time. That worked pretty well.

Now she's 4 and half years old and things are much better.

That was a very sensible solution, Astrapol.
Parents DO learn to be creative!

I've always found that thumbscrews work very well.

Seriously, I was raised by parents who, while not quick to spank were not adverse to it either. When we went too far we got whacked. My father seldom hit us because he had been a Golden Gloves boxer in his youth and I think he was afraid of what he would do to us if he ever lost his temper. My mothe was a great believer in the wooden spoon across the butt or the back of the legs.

I can only remember hitting one of my kids once and I felt so bad after that I never did it again. I might have been lucky because all four of my kids were very well behaved growing up. We were able to talk to them from an early age and explain right and wrong behavior and lucky us, they acted on what we taught them.

astrapol2 intuitively hit on just the right solution for his daughter. We often forget that unlike adults, children can not turn immediately from one task to another, from playing to eating dinner, from watching t.v. to going to bed, etc.. They need a short transitional period. I learned this as a young teacher many years ago. I got much better results when I told a class of young children that there was five minutes left to free time, and then reminded them at three minutes and again at one minute. They were able to transit from one task to another without too much trouble.

Thanks for the compliment, actually it was not so intuitive, I read the tip in a book named "How to be obeyed without shouting" !

Now we usually resort to counting up tu three with a small threat : if you don't do (so and so) I'm going to count and if when I say three you've not obeyed then I will...
- usually : come and get you (if she doesn't want to go somewhere)
- sometimes : ground you (If I understand well that means put her alone for a while).
- sometimes : ... not read you any book tonight (the ultimate threat, usually enough).

I never threaten to deprive her from TV of sweets since I don't want these to appear as very desirable things. Actually, she like books so much that the perspective of not getting a few strories before she goes to bed is very painful.

astropol,

What you are talking about is a 'timeout', not grounding. Grounding is when you don't allow her to leave the house and usually applies to teens.

unless your english in which case "timeout" doesnt exist and grounding pretty much covers what your talking about

I ahve two kids a 5 year old boy and a 3 year old girl. My boy is pretty good most of the time, and only ocassionally gives us static. For him usually the threat of losing cartoons or toys or video game privledges for a couple of days is enough to straighten him out. Ocassionally he feels the need to test his boundries and gets a spank, not very often though. My 3 year old girl is another story. She constantly tests her bounderies and quite often winds up on time out. She is still a bit young to spank, but has been spanked a couple of times in extreme situations. She is what I like to call "full of life" :D

When I grew up in Taiwan my mother's favorite spanking tool was the metal-wired clothe hanger. Then she became a devoted Buddhist and the punishment took the form of reading scripture out loud while kneeling in front of an altar, usually for a very long time.

The teachers were much worse. I've had several meanies who would smite ill-behaved students to pieces with hard-wood broomstick. A very popular punishment was making students hold the squat position while carrying something heavy, such as a chair, for extended period of time, and smite them whenever they fail to maintain balance. A simple and less harsh punishment was to have offending student stand outside classroom, sometimes for entire lecture, sometimes even longer.

I used to work in a school district with a large Hispanic population. One of their favorite forms of punishment was making children kneel on uncooked rice.

I'm not a parent, but I did work at a preschool for a little over 3 years. Our way of disciplining the children was time out. If the problem involved two or more children, I would separate them and have them sit for a minute or two to let them cool off, then bring the children together and talk to them about what happened, why it happened, and what they should do next time to keep from getting in trouble (an alternative to hitting, biting, spitting, name-calling, etc.). If there was a problem between me and child (a child hitting me, talking back, not listening, etc.), then I would have them sit down and I would walk away so I could cool off. I never talked to the child right after something happened, especially if I was really mad. I always took a couple minutes to cool off first, otherwise I might have said things I shouldn't and that would have only made things worst. Anyway, after a couple minutes, I would go back and talk to the child and find out what the problem was. I would also encourage the children to apologize to each other. I was very inexperienced when I first started at the preschool, but I learned quickly that time out alone didn't always work. That's when I started having the chats after time out. It seemed to work good for me.

When I was younger I received the classic "spanking" treatment. Even if I wouldn't eat my vegetables and said that they "tasted gross" I'd get quite a smacking on the behind. My mother would simply tell me "wait till your father comes home" as he worked the day shifts. Once he did, it was spanking time.
They also made me bite the soap if I said something out of line. On a few rare occassions my father would smack me around, once to the point that I was smacked clear out of my bed and then it continued. Another time I was hit in the chest while taking a shower, and all the water drops pressed hard against my chest resulted in little "bumps and grooves". When I was 13 I was smacked around a bit and then I ran away from home. Eventually my dad found me a demanded I get in the van. When I got in he hugged me and started to cry and said that he loved me. If this isn't an example of contradictory trauma I don't know what it. Years later my mom denies any memory of this event, and my dad too remains a bit hazy over the ordeal.
Recently, at age 20, my father tackled me to the ground, later insisting that I had a "violent" look in my eye and he was taking pre-emptive action. Which is ironic because I have never, EVER struck or otherwise harmed my parents physically. Once I was tackled I tried to get up, but he kept slamming my head back down (3x). End result: a cut on my temple, a small fingernail cut on my wrist, and a goose egg on the back of my head. To this day both my parents insist that my father was "protecting" my mom. So not only do they deny wrongdoing, but they blame me for that terrible, terrible evening. They even told me that I couldn't come home from college if I didn't apologize. I did say sorry for any disrespect, but I stood firm and said I will never apologize for that night.


All of these various acts of punishment (and I'd certainly argue some were abuse) were poor methods of parenting. I resent the fact that my parents typically utilized physical means to keep me in line, rather than trying more often to use reason. I also angers me even more so knowing that they are, ironically, weekly churchgoers. I myself am agnostic, and for quite some time they both pressured me to attend mass, even threatening to kick me out of the house if I did not comply. My mother said that even if I lived a moral life, I could very well go to hell for not going to mass. It's nice to know that your mother thinks you are destined to burn in hell for eternity...

Whack and crack .............until you have to deal with them mentally .....but ...whatever you do ......you have to get their attention ...or something or somebody else will.


Slim

Originally posted by ComicsGn
When I was younger I received the classic "spanking" treatment. Even if I wouldn't eat my vegetables and said that they "tasted gross" I'd get quite a smacking on the behind. My mother would simply tell me "wait till your father comes home" as he worked the day shifts. Once he did, it was spanking time.
They also made me bite the soap if I said something out of line. On a few rare occassions my father would smack me around, once to the point that I was smacked clear out of my bed and then it continued. Another time I was hit in the chest while taking a shower, and all the water drops pressed hard against my chest resulted in little "bumps and grooves". When I was 13 I was smacked around a bit and then I ran away from home. Eventually my dad found me a demanded I get in the van. When I got in he hugged me and started to cry and said that he loved me. If this isn't an example of contradictory trauma I don't know what it. Years later my mom denies any memory of this event, and my dad too remains a bit hazy over the ordeal.
Recently, at age 20, my father tackled me to the ground, later insisting that I had a "violent" look in my eye and he was taking pre-emptive action. Which is ironic because I have never, EVER struck or otherwise harmed my parents physically. Once I was tackled I tried to get up, but he kept slamming my head back down (3x). End result: a cut on my temple, a small fingernail cut on my wrist, and a goose egg on the back of my head. To this day both my parents insist that my father was "protecting" my mom. So not only do they deny wrongdoing, but they blame me for that terrible, terrible evening. They even told me that I couldn't come home from college if I didn't apologize. I did say sorry for any disrespect, but I stood firm and said I will never apologize for that night.


All of these various acts of punishment (and I'd certainly argue some were abuse) were poor methods of parenting. I resent the fact that my parents typically utilized physical means to keep me in line, rather than trying more often to use reason. I also angers me even more so knowing that they are, ironically, weekly churchgoers. I myself am agnostic, and for quite some time they both pressured me to attend mass, even threatening to kick me out of the house if I did not comply. My mother said that even if I lived a moral life, I could very well go to hell for not going to mass. It's nice to know that your mother thinks you are destined to burn in hell for eternity...

Well, comics, look at it this way.
You get to choose their nursing home someday.
Not to make light of this--that is a sad story.
I have always said, what goes around, comes around.

Yes, rendova, it is a comforting fact. They may have messed up my youth but now I'll get to decide where their last days will be spent. There is some poetic justice in that.

Plus the inheritance money I'll be getting is huge... :)

LOL, that's good!

I've told my own kids if they try to put me in a nursing home they're gonna be met with a hail of bullets. I cannot think of a sadder fate.

J/k, I don't THINK they'd do that....

I've often thought that the folks who end up old and alone are somehow paying the price for what they did in the past.
Not always, but many times.

Anyway, hope you have a nice Christmas with people who care.

i have one boy-when he was little i gave him a whooping- now that he's older i talk things out w/ him- i have found if you spank them when their little you won't have to spank them when their older

Exactly Meme .....and ......if they complain about it when they are an adult ..............they aren't made of much anyway.


Slim