Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. I had the week off of work, as did my girlfriend Kym, so I drove out to see her in Rochester. We talked about seeing Batman at the IMAX theater, going to Six Flags, picnic in the park, painting in the yard...all sorts of fun stuff. Then out of the blue, on the second evening at her house, she informs me that she isn't sure if she still loves me. When it came down to it she wanted a break. She's always been in one relationship or another since middle school, so she doesn't really know what it's like to be alone. Apparently she wants to discover what that's like.

In my (perhaps overly hopeful) opinion, I feel that she simply needs space to figure out how much she cares about me. Constantly being involved with someone makes being with a person become...ordinary. I can understand how that could wear on a person, even though I myself have never had a girlfriend before Kym came along. I'll admit I pleaded and tried to reach a compromise. Perhaps she and I could lessen our phone conversations, take a step back, something! But she was dead set on taking a break. Initially it wasn't given a time line, she said it could be weeks or even months. But the longer I wait around the longer I'd become hopeful...and then if she wanted to end it completely I'd fall apart. So we at least agreed that we could re-evaluate things in mid-August, just before our initially planned roadtrip to Virginia. If all goes well, we'll be together again and enjoy a great week together before school starts back up.

I'm heads-over-heels in love with this girl, so it hit really hit hard. I realize that perhaps I should have paced myself, somehow prevented myself from become so close so fast. We've only been together for just under 9 months, but we hung out practically 24-7 while at college. So I think this summer break, which rendered our relationship a long-distance one, has caused some damage. She visited here (May 12-13) for my birthday, and again early this month (June 8-11). Both visits went incredibly well, and I felt that each time we'd grown closer. And oddly enough I think she'd agree. Yet despite this, she wants this break less than 2 weeks later. What happened during that time? What went wrong? Nothing. Honestly, nothing happened to cause this. We hadn't gotten into any big arguments, she isn't interested in any other guys, and she does still care about me. Which is why I'm pretty confident that she simply needs a little time to rediscover just how much she cares. And I really really hope I've analyzed this correctly. Friendship has never come easy for me, and still doesn't. I've always been "one of those geeks": shy, glasses, skinny, comic books, etc. I foresaw living out my life alone in some apartment. I tried asking girls out and always got smacked with rejection. Then Kym came along and actually pursued ME, and I suddenly found myself the luckiest guy on earth with a literally perfect girlfriend. There is no one I'd rather be with.

After reading this, I'd like to know your take on it all. If you've gone through something like this, did it work out? Should I be hoping that she'll come back or do you think she's gently letting me go altogether? She made it clear that she isn't breaking up with me, and that we may very well get back together. But I know that sometimes girls (and guys) can say things like that to soften the blow. This is my first relationship, and I really don't know what to think. Please help!

Originally posted by ComicsGn
If you've gone through something like this, did it work out?
In a word: no. They never do, but relax - you're young.
Originally posted by ComicsGn
Should I be hoping that she'll come back or do you think she's gently letting me go altogether?
People don't take breaks if they're happy. The best bet is to let her go. It'll toughen your character. In short, if she wants to be with you, she'll come looking. As a general rule of thumb, a lot of girls play games. They'll keep you on the hook just long enough to make themselves feel good about the fact that someone desires them despite having no feelings for that person in return. I'd be willing to bet you call her a lot, don't you? Stop calling her and see what happens.

Already covered the phone aspect. I told her that I won't call, and that if she wants to talk she's gotta make the move. It's hard, yes, but I agree that pushing someone away a little sometimes helps to pull them back in. I'm hoping that'll be the case.

And I disagree that people don't take breaks unless their unhappy. Kym made it clear that she is happy, but feels she could be happier. And while that may sound funny and I don't understand it, she is an incredibly blunt person. If she were truly unhappy with me she would have said so.

It'll be tough - but you can't force the issue - trust me - that will push away her away big time.

The best thing to do is turn the tables. The sure fire way to have come running back is to make yourself into something she can't have.

I've been thru all this type of stuff before. I just wish I knew then what I know now.

My advice to you would be to take a break from the relationship. Don't call. Don't write. Since this is your first girlfriend, you owe it to yourself to find out whether the relationship is right for you. Look around and see if there might be someone else you are attracted to. Go out for a date or two.
I liken first relationships to first cars. When you get that first car you love it no matter what. Life with that car is better than without it. It may not be the best car, but it sure seems terrific. When you get the second car, you start to evaluate cars better. You have something to compare it to. After a few cars, you have a better idea what makes the perfect car for you.
Relationships are like that too. You need to have a couple before you know what is really good for you.

Good advice. I have actually called her just a few days after the "break" began, but only to finalize a few things. She clarified several issues and I voiced my own as well. But from here on, I'm not writing or calling or anything. She wants me, she'll call me. If not, fuck it.

It's been awhile, but here's an update....

My girlfriend wound up dating some guy in July-August, but this September we returned back to college and worked things out. She dumped him and is back with me...but man it sucked. She had sex with the guy and that just cheapens things for me. I mean, she said there was no "real romance" with the guy, yet she was that easy? She's not one to sleep around (she had sex with one guy before me and then this summer fling), but it seems kinda...I dunno, slutty of her to do that. I didn't even date anyone during our time apart, and remained faithful since I trusted that we'd work things out in the end. But how convenient that she took me back when I was local on campus, when she was too far from her summer boy-toy. She seems serious and sincere about us this time, but in the back of my mind I remain wary.

And no, sex isn't a major factor for me. I'm just not thrilled by how little she values it. I always thought it was something special to be shared between 2 people when they become close. But she obviously just thought "eh, what the hell" and went for it. And I hate to judge her but I think that was a shitty thing of her to do, essentially having a summer fling then taking me back. She said she "learns from experience" so now she'd never do it again. (and yes, this logic is flawed..."i wonder if i'd break my leg jumping off a roof (jumps) oh, now i know!")

She really is an amazing girl otherwise, but this one fuck-up has caused me to lose some trust in her...and I hate feeling like it could all happen again. I could try dating someone else, but frankly this girl is nearly perfect aside from the unfortunate summer disaster. When I'm with her I'm happy, but I question how healthy it is to still bother with her. She doesn't spend any time with her ex's, she calls me when she gets back from going out to a bar, she treats me well...she really is great. But it's amazing how a single spot on a record can really make it look bad.

I dunno... any thoughts?

Yes. I will be blunt. Hope you don't mind.
"If they don't treat you right, dump 'em." Something my Dad said to me long ago. Best advice I ever got--about anything.

She did not treat you right, comics. Move on.

She did break up with me first, though. She didn't cheat on me or anything. And she has treated me good otherwise...

comics, in a previous posts you stated that this girl goes to bars.
What I am about to say will probably get me slammed by some posters here. But I'm gonna say it anyway.

Nice girls don't go to bars unless they're with a guy. Do you know how bad it looks, for a lone girl to go to a bar by herself? Even if she's with girlfriends, she still looks like a pickup!

I'm not saying it's right for some to think this way. But they DO, and they TALK, and maybe some of what they say is the truth!

dump her

you're a fool not to.

Originally posted by rendova
comics, in a previous posts you stated that this girl goes to bars.
What I am about to say will probably get me slammed by some posters here. But I'm gonna say it anyway.

Nice girls don't go to bars unless they're with a guy. Do you know how bad it looks, for a lone girl to go to a bar by herself? Even if she's with girlfriends, she still looks like a pickup!

I'm not saying it's right for some to think this way. But they DO, and they TALK, and maybe some of what they say is the truth!

I'm not going to slam you for this rendova...ok, maybe a little...I have to know before I do...Is it ok for guys to hang out in bars looking for girls, and if it is, how can you possibly berate girls for doing the same?

Even as I posted that, Vile, I realized I should have amended my statement to read "nice girls in a relationship" should not go to bars.

Yes, a double standard exists here. Society thinks little of what guys do in such places. But as for girls--no, it does not look good.
Image is everything.

As I work with literally hundreds of young people, it would seem that this statement is not just old-fashioned thinking on my part..all these young men say the same thing--"forget the girls in bars..they are there for one thing."

Society has advanced little. Old-fashioned thinking and attitudes prevail. It is not fair, but that's the way it is. Young women should be aware of this, and I'm sure a lot of them are.

She goes to the bar on rare occassions, tonight it's her friends 21st birthday, a guy who she isn't attracted to and I know. Circumstances mean everything too.

I'm not going to slam you for this rendova...ok, maybe a little...I have to know before I do...Is it ok for guys to hang out in bars looking for girls, and if it is, how can you possibly berate girls for doing the same?

Because men are sexual fiends who prey upon the opposite gender, its all the fun and point in "the hunt". :D
A girl going into a bar alone is much different then a man doing so. ;)

Even as I posted that, Vile, I realized I should have amended my statement to read "nice girls in a relationship" should not go to bars.

Meh, maybe she likes to liquor herself up :D

Image is everything.

For women. They spend much of their time observing the appearances of themselves and others, they care about what their peers will think. Hogwash!

Society has advanced little. Old-fashioned thinking and attitudes prevail.

Which is why women are wearing pants while they drink next to their friends in a bar ;)
We've made large strides socially, its becoming a very different culture.

She goes to the bar on rare occassions, tonight it's her friends 21st birthday, a guy who she isn't attracted to and I know.

Unless its an upbeat, partying-type bar, i question the motives of this. "Hey! I'm 21, lets get drunk at some shady bar!!!" bwahaha it makes me chuckle.