My girlfriend had previously been in an on again / off again relationship with her last boyfriend (Adam). It wasn’t healthy in the least. For example: she would call and ask him to have dinner with her family and he had no interest in getting to know them. When he said he’d hang out with her he’d call hours later and let her know that he had gotten drunk with his friends instead. Now the part that bothers me about all this is the fact that the slept with him for several years of the relationship. She’s only been with me for 8+ months, and it pains me to know that she (in the past at least) had very little value on a meaningful relationship. She apparantly didn’t care if Adam treated her well or if there was any real intimacy…she simply did the deed regardless. She made the mistake of saying things like “I’ve tried anal before, and it hurt too much. That’s one thing I don’t want to do again.” “I once soaked the whole bed from being fingered (after I was far from achieving the same)”. “Adam took my top off in the pool once and I chased him around the yard for it.” And finally, while playing truth or dare: “We had sex on his parents’ bed once.”
Now despite all that, those were the ONLY times she ever mentioned her past sex life. Yet that’s still more than enough information to provide images in my head that bother me, and I told her so. She’s stopped, and apologized. She just “wasn’t thinking”. Since then she hasn’t said anything about him, so that’s been fixed.
She’s called me crying saying that she felt like she had wasted those 7 years of her life, and now she understands what love is, etc. And I do believe she means it. Yet her past still tears it apart and I still feel anger knowing that this perfectly sweet girl I’m dating used to f*ck another guy who she didn’t even care for…for years! Essentially it devalues my experiences with her. If she can have sex with someone she didn’t care about, what does that say about her having sex with me? She said she thought she had loved Adam, but realized she was wrong. Now she says she loves me, but…I can’t help questioning it. Adam was her only previous relationship so I have nothing else to go by. I really love this girl and can foresee being with her for many, many years to come if not for this one problem. But it’s vital that I stop judging her past, because…it’s the past. I don’t want it to ruin our present or future together but nothing has been able to keep it off my mind. I have talked to her about it a few times, and she does understand. But like myself, she really hopes I get over this. But how??

P.S. I know some guys would love a girl whose had sexual experience so they get it better in bed no matter what the circumstance. I am NOT that kind of guy.

oh where to begin...
first of all, kudos to you for not being "that type of guy". i'm sure your girlfriend knows just how lucky she is to have you.
secondly, the fact that she confided in you about how she felt used by her ex shows that she trusts you. just bcause she mentioned a few occurences involving the ex does not mean she was strolling down memory lane or anything; she was trying to share something with you that obviously pains her...doesn't that count for anything?
lastly...remember, my friend, that we've all done things that we aren't particularly proud of. cut her some slack, ok? she's respected your feelings and stopped mentioning the ex, so let it go. if you remain hung-up on what she's done with him, you'll miss out on all kinds of things she could do with you.
good luck!

She’s called me crying saying that she felt like she had wasted those 7 years of her life, and now she understands what love is, etc.

That is a huge compliment to you, take it. She is also stating that she has grown emotionally and can now better understand what love is. Everything has a learning curve, she has moved forward. That is a good thing, some people never do move forward or understand that there are different levels to things.



Yet her past still tears it apart and I still feel anger knowing that this perfectly sweet girl I’m dating used to f*ck another guy who she didn’t even care for…for years! Essentially it devalues my experiences with her.

Not to sound harsh here but that is not her problem. It is yours. She can not change her past, neither can you change yours. It is water under the bridge....gone forever...let it go or it will destroy your relationship. There is absolutely no way the past can devalue the present. Only you can do that by placing more significance on her past than what you have created together in the present.

If she can have sex with someone she didn’t care about, what does that say about her having sex with me?

Well it says that was her past, you are her present, what have you built together? Why is sex your primary focus? If she is loving and supportive and caring with you, and she has grown and moved forward then why are you focused on Adam instead of her?

But it’s vital that I stop judging her past, because…it’s the past. I don’t want it to ruin our present or future together but nothing has been able to keep it off my mind.

If I were you I would start to examine my focus. What do you want from her? What do you value in a relationship? What do you need from her? What does she need from you? Why are you trying to push her away? What is your biggest fear in the relationship.

Usually when I question all the whys and wherefores I can put the pieces together for myself.

Good luck...sounds like you have something you value and are willing to work on.

Welcome to allforums...!!!!!!

Thanks to those who have already posted responses. Most of what's been said I've known in the back of my mind, but I really needed the third party confirmation/support. So thank you very much for that. She is my first girlfriend so I think this is simply something I'm still getting used to. I'm thinking its mostly a trust issue for me. We have a long distance relationship in the summer (we go to the same college the rest of the year) and since she got with a guy she didn't care about once, perhaps I fear a repeat performance. Which is strange because she's already proven herself to be very loyal. I realize that all this comes down to me having the problem, and I aim to fix it. She's definitely worth it.

I welcome any further advice, and thanks again.

Personally, I think we just need some sort of an advice column on the main page.

Originally posted by silverbulletkc
Personally, I think we just need some sort of an advice column on the main page.
i agree. and we can be the keepers of the coveted advice, don't you think???

by the way, i hope our advice was helpful to you, my friend. what it boils down to is trust, faith, and love. good luck!

Originally posted by jennygadling
i agree. and we can be the keepers of the coveted advice, don't you think???
Seeing as how I love to help people with their dilemmas, I'm all for it.

Any relationship I was in where my BF was focused on or obsessed by my past ended up doomed. They escalated into obsessive jealousy, anger, and a couple ended in violence. I suggest you focus on the forward, and I hope your GF also does.

I don't think it was very nice of her to share those explicit tidbits of info with her new guy, it's tacky, and is asking for disaster.

I hope she gets it, and I hope you two can grow from these things, and assure each other lots and stop feeding each other's insecurities!

Best of luck to you, this is totally fixable stuff!

Chances are she doesn't know what she wants. If she stayed with some guy that she didn't like much - but had constant sex with then - either she is not being truthful to you, or she liked being a door mat. There are plenty of girls out there that enjoy being treated like shit. Maybe enjoy is the wrong word - they need to be treated like shit. Weird but true.

I wouldn't sweat too much over her past, that's a sure fire way to end up being dumped. Just move on - each day is a new day & make your own past with her. Base your evaluation on your experience with her - not on what you think her past boyfriends experience was.

I found this site about learning how to let go of your past baggage, it might help...

www.timelinetherapy.com